It's Almost A Love Story [ies] Part 3

Ryan

June 2010

Okay so this one was my decision to end the relationship. He was incredibly sweet and everything, but when there's no chemistry, there's no chemistry. You can't force it. I knew he wasn't the one, and I wasn't going to let him think he was. But here's the story.

Ryan (name changed) was also in my institute class. He was 23 and in my ward at church. We hung out and had a really great time just talking.

Here is an entry from my journal during the time period:

"I believe the best way to describe my life right now is like a dream. But that's not necessarily a good thing. In fact, it can sometimes be downright confusing, scary, sad, and stressful. And I'm talking the dreams you have at night when you are asleep. The ones you can't control and make no sense. And don't get me wrong, some of our dreams at night can be sweet and amazing, but most of them we either don't remember or make us want to never fall asleep again because some dreams turn out to be nightmares."

So Ryan and I started hanging out more. And when I say hanging out, I mean we talk and are just friends. He was very nice and fun. He was Gavin's friend, but I knew him before that because he was in Sam and I's ward. Oh my, institute was turning into my ex boyfriend/flings club! First Emery was there. And then Gavin. Today I walked in and Keith was there! Keith was the boy I had a crush on at Jr. Civitan camp. Crazy! I'm done dating boys in that class. I'm done dating in general.

Journal Entry--Friday June 18, 2010

"Well I am disappointed in myself. This is the longest I've gone without writing in a journal in years. I need to get back into the habit of writing everyday or at least every other day. I blame summer school specifically medical terminology and physics. I have so much to say, yet so little time, and I'm way tired.

I guess I should mention I've been in a relationship with Ryan since Monday. Ryan is so nice. He served a mission in Mexico. I met him about two years ago in church. He is way mature and likes me not just for my looks. That makes me happy. He is extremely sweet.

McHale, Jordan, Tyson, and Brie all approve. That is crucial. Tonight we all hung out, and they met him for the first time. We all went swinging at a park and that was fun. Brie questioned Ryan, as I am glad she did because she has to like and approve who I am dating. They seemed to get along well. She likes him.

Then we went to the Rec Center. Tod (our friend) met us there and we listened to Owl City and did this crazy fun sport called slacklining. It's hard to explain, but it's like walking a tight rope, but not so high in the air. You have to try and walk across and keep your balance. It was funny and difficult, but we all had fun. Tod is amazing at it.

We all met up afterwards at Brie and Ty's apartment after and they were kind enough to share their amazing $500 wedding cake with all of us. It was like a taste of heaven. Seriously. That was the best cake ever. We just talked and hung out. Ty burned me the Dear John soundtrack.

It was getting late so we all needed to go home and sleep. Ryan walked me to my car and gave me a sweet goodnight kiss. He really is a great guy, but I am having mixed feelings. He is so sweet, religious, and goal driven and all of these other wonderful qualities. But I'm still unsure and very very uncertain.

I am not physically attracted to him. I'm not trying to be rude or shallow, but honest. He isn't bad looking. He's attractive, but I'm not attracted to him. I don't think he is attractive in my eyes. It's sad and terrible to say, but I'm just telling the truth. Looks aren't everything. But I honestly think you have to be romantically and physically attracted to a person somewhat or it won't work. I discussed this with Brie and Ty and they said pray about it, give him a chance, and give it a month. They said give Ryan a month and our relationship at least one month because a lot can change in a month. So I'm going to do that and pray and I know the Lord will let me know what to do if I continue to live a good life."

"We cannot gauge the worth of another soul anymore than we can measure the span of the universe. Every person we meet is a VIP to our Heavenly Father. Once we understand that, we can begin to understand how we should treat our fellowmen. True love requires action. We can speak of love all day long--we can write notes or poems that proclaim it, sing songs that praise it, and preach sermons that encourage it--but until we manifest that love in action, our words are nothing but 'sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal'.

Love is what inspired our Heavenly Father to create our spirits; it is what led our Savior to the Garden of Gethsemane to make Himself a ransom for our sins. Love is the grand motive of the plan of salvation. It is the source of happiness, the ever renewing spring of healing, the precious fountain of hope." -President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

"Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it. Because nobody else will." -Tyler Remember Me

Journal Entry--Wednesday June 23, 2010

"Finally I'm putting a quote in here that is kinda of my own. The genius behind the general idea was something Meredith Grey said in the wonderfully amazing Grey's Anatomy, but I changed it and added to it so here it it:

We spend a lot of time focused on the future, planning it, working toward it. But at some point you start to realize your life is happening now. Right now. This is it. It's here. Blink and you'll miss it. So say what you want and mean it. Live each moment to the fullest. Today! Because tomorrow is never guaranteed.

Yesterday I did something hard. I broke up with Ryan. I felt terrible about it. I still feel sad for him, because I know what it's like to be dumped by someone you really like. I hurt him because he liked me so much. But the feelings weren't mutual. He is a sweetheart and one of the most nice, religious, and ambitious boys I've ever met. He is wonderful. But he is just a friend. I am not attracted to him whatsoever beyond that. I felt no romantic or love-like feelings towards him, just friendship. I prayed and just know it wasn't meant to be. And I didn't want to drag it out because it would hurt him worse making him believe it might work out when it wouldn't.

So I ended it. I know he's way broken up about it, but in time, he'll be fine. I feel it's better to end things sooner rather than later. I didn't want him to become more attached and lead him on in anyway. He took it badly, but seems to be doing better. We are still friends and will remain best associates (inside joke)."

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will." -Mahatma Gandhi

"It's these cards and the movies and the pop songs, they're to blame for all the lies and the heartache, everything." -(500) Days of Summer

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

To sum up the Ryan story and lesson to be learned:

"Human chemistry, only one thing matters, either you've got it or you dont."

-Meredith Grey

It's Almost A Love Story [ies] Part 2

Gavin

May 2010

So I started talking to this boy named Gavin (name changed) who was a 22 year old RM. We talked via Facebook. He served a mission in Hawaii. He was my grandma and grandpa's best friends' son. He was extremely nice and had a great sense of humor. 

We decided to hang out so we had an amazingly fun evening hanging out with my best friends Aubrey and Tyson (her husband, but he was her fiancé at the time). He got along very well with them and vice versa. We played Phase 10 (which he won, it was unusual cause I win like every game... seriously!). Brie (Aubrey) also made brownies and gave us the bowl to lick the batter. Gavin and I got in a chocolate fight. It was a blast! He gave me a chocolate mustache haha. So I got him back and ,after a struggle, got it all over his face! I felt bad because I got it on his clothes too by accident, but he forgave me and we laughed about it. I hoped we would hang out again.

Here is a journal entry from a night a few days after the above incident.

"Tonight was a true fairytale, a dream come true. Tonight was the night I've been waiting for forever. Tonight was the best night of 2010! And all because of one boy: Gavin! I have butterflies. My heart lights up when I see him. Gavin is the cutest, most amazing boy I've ever met in my life. His testimony and dedication to the gospel is amazing. He's gorgeous. He's 22 and taller than me!!! 

Well tonight=perfect. Gavin and I hiked up Red Hill to watch the sunset. We talked and made lots of jokes. It got cold, so Gavin wrapped his arms around me, cuddled, and warmed me up... so sweet. 

After the sun had basically set, we drove to a pizza place and got a pizza. Gavin drove us up to this park on a hill. We sat in the backseat of his car and ate, cuddled, and watched Fantastic Mr. Fox it was good.

We get along so great. Then we kissed. He kissed me and it was hands down the best kiss of my life. He has the softest lips. We connect in a way I've never connected with a boy. My heart was racing faster than ever. I finally got my "Alex Karev" kiss. That first kiss worth waiting for. A kiss so hot, so deep, you don't want to come up for air and can feel it everywhere.

He showed me an album of pictures from his mission in Hawaii. They were incredible and cute! Aww tonight was perfect, a real fairytale, but I can't help wondering if it was too good to be true. If he is just like the rest. I shouldn't assume things, but I refuse to be hurt again, refuse to be used. Why do boys just see me as a pretty face, cute, wonderful girl to kiss? I will never be okay with that. I have so much more self respect. A kiss means something to me."

The next week, Gavin and I went on another date. 

We went to his house and watched my copy of The Lovely Bones. It was fun.

Here were some quotes I wrote in my journal that day.

"Oh sure, I think other guys are cute, but every time I see a cute guy, I remind myself of how cute you are. Of how you love me. Of how much I love you. Of how sweet you are. Of how much you can always brighten my day. And suddenly, that other guy doesn't look all that good anymore."

"Love is like water... you can drink it, swim in it, drown in it... but you can't live without it."

"Contrary to what the cynics say, distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough."

"Me? I'm scared of everything... of what I saw, of what I did, of who I am... but most of all, I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my life the way I feel when I'm with you." -Dirty Dancing

"The better you know someone, the less there is to say, or maybe there's less that needs to be said."

"They say, when you meet the love of your life, time stops, and that's true. What they don't tell you is that when it starts again, it moves extra fast to catch up." -Big Fish.

"A hug can turn your day around, it's an emotional Heimlich. Someone puts their arms around you, and they give you a squeeze and all your fear and anxiety comes shooting out of your mouth, and you can breathe again."- Pushing Daisies

"I gave you my heart and that's all I can give you, and if that's not enough, then I'm not enough." -One Tree Hill

"I'm a hopeless romantic and you're just hopeless." -Bouncing Souls

Now I didn't write much about Gavin and I after all of the above so here is my journal entry that explains the end of Gavin and me.

"Institute is going good! I enjoy it! I am in the class Teachings of the Latter Day Prophets with Brother Laga and Brother Williams. I'm so done with the whole dating thing, thanks to Emery and Gavin. And the worst/most awkward part is they are both in that class! It's like a bad romance/chick flick movie! Ironic or what? And lately, I've been talking to this boy named Ryan who, as you guessed it, is also in the class! But he is in our university 10th ward that Sam and I went to, so I've known him for a while. We are just friends and that's all we will ever be. I say that all the time haha, but I mean it! Two past boyfriends/boys I've dated is two too many! If love is meant to be it will come to me.

So as you can hopefully infer from the previous paragraph, Gavin and I are over. He was just like all the others. All I was to him=a pretty face to kiss and then move on without a care. Ah I'm so tired of being used! But I'm not sad about Gavin. I did the best I could! I gave my all. I just wanted to be friends, but he wanted more. So we dated. He didn't want a relationship (he says because of some bad news involving his family which makes him doubt relationships), but he still wanted to "hang out" aka kiss me.

Negative. I said no way. Kisses may mean nothing to him, Emery, and just about every other guy out there, but a kiss means something to me. I'm not a NCMO! I told Gavin off and didn't hold back. I did cute things like on Monday when I randomly decided to write him a note to cheer him up (because he was having a bad day) to surprise him. Waste of time and paper. He didn't care. I stuck it on his windshield. He threw it away.

He said I'm a pretty girl and it's too bad things turned out like this. He said it wasn't his intentions. I said I was aware of that and he is missing out on a girl who is smart, sweet, and goes out of her way to make people happy. He got mad because he said I wasn't being considerate of his situation. I'm sorry, but we all have trials. That's what life is about. I've had so many hardships, but the key is how you react. You need to hold your head up high, have faith, keep walking, and endure to the end with the knowledge that all is well and everything will be okay in the end.

I don't want a man who sits and does the "poor me", life is so hard, so I'm going to sit and mope thing. Life is amazing. Trials are blessings, faith is everything. I want an eternal companion with unwavering faith who will endure with me to the end. And one who appreciates my notes and me!"