HOLDEN
December 2011
Okay this is more of a crush story... it's the furthest thing from a love story, it shouldn't even be called an almost love story... but I am calling it that because it's the final one. I am done with the almost love stories because I am done with these boys who haven't the slightest idea what love is nor how to treat a girl. They are not gentlemen, and I am finished. If love is in my destiny, it will find me. I won't even give a boy the time of day unless he proves himself worth it. I refuse to give my time to someone who doesn't appreciate my worth. No one should settle for someone who sees you as ordinary or who doesn't truly see you.
The next love story you see will be the real thing (if such a thing exists). It won't be an almost love story... it will be a love story that lasts forever.
Ready for the craziest story as to how I met Holden? It makes no sense to me either. I still don't understand it. The story of how we met is this...
My friend Elena (name changed) always would say the nicest things about this boy named Holden (name changed) and I thought it was sweet, but that's it... I didn't really care. She would post status on Facebook about how great he was and I saw it as just another status, no big deal. I didn't give it another thought. Then on Sunday December 11th, I came across his Facebook through Elena and just had this overwhelming, undeniable feeling that I needed to add him as a friend. I tried to push it away. I fought these thoughts because I don't like or really ever add random strangers I've never met to my friends. I thought the feeling would subside, instead it intensified. It overpowered every doubt or hesitation I had. I hadn't even looked at his profile. I think when a feeling is telling you something like that, you should listen.
So... I added him.
Afterwards, I was freaking out about it. I was worried/scared he would think I was some crazy stranger and either not accept me or be weirded out to the fullest. I'm thinking... he is going to send me a message similar to "Who are you? I don't even know you. Do you just add random people to your friends? Crazy girl!" except for maybe nicer because I'd heard of his unfailing kindness.
Well surely enough, the next day after work, I'm notified on FB of a new message! My heart sped up and I held my breath and opened it and smiled when I read, "Hi! I don't think we've met. What's up with that?"
From there it was amazing. I thought he was amazing. We texted all day long and planned to meet the next day. I was excited... beyond excited... whatever that was. I was all smiles. I couldn't even put him into words because I was waiting to wake up and realize that it was just a dream... the way he talked to me... I'd never met a guy who was so kind. I couldn't wait to meet him in person to see if he was as good as he seemed.
I wrote, "I always set my hopes too high when things tend to just end up with a goodbye... it's the hopeless romantic in me..."
Journal entry--Tuesday December 13, 2011
"Tonight I met Holden... you know how sometimes a song can express how you are feeling more than you could because you're so overwhelmed by emotions that it's hard to put them in words? Well that describes my current situation. Luckily, the amazing Taylor Swift has written a song that puts all my feelings into words flawlessly...
Enchanted -Taylor Swift
There I was again tonight, forcing laughter, faking smiles
Same old, tired lonely place
Walls of insincerity, shifting eyes and vacancy
Vanished when I saw your face
All I can say is it was enchanting to meet you
Your eyes whispered, "Have we met?" across the room, your silhouette
Starts to make its way to me
The playful conversation starts, counter all your quick remarks
Like passing notes in secrecy
And it was enchanting to meet you
All I can say is I was enchanted to meet you
This night is sparkling, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you
The lingering question kept me up, 2 am, who do you love?
I wonder til I'm wide awake
Now I'm pacing back and forth, wishing you were at my door
I'd open up and you would say
It was enchanting to meet you
All I know is I was enchanted to meet you
This night is sparkling, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
This night is flawless, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, dancing around all alone
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you
This is me praying that
This was the very first page, not where the storyline ends
My thoughts will echo your name until I see you again
These are the words I held back as I was leaving too soon
I was enchanted to meet you
Please don't be in love with someone else
Please don't have somebody waiting on you
Please don't be in love with someone else
Please don't have somebody waiting on you
This night is sparkling, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
This night is flawless, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, dancing around all alone
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you
Please don't be in love with someone else
Please don't have somebody waiting on you
...but is it too good to be true? That thought haunts me. I'm tired of me and my blind optimism making me always end up as the girl in the dress who cried all the way home. I'm already attracted to everything about him... just read a few of the numerous texts he has sent me...
"You are so amazing! <3 I can't believe how amazing you are mind blowing. I LOVE to dress up wearing a suit is my fav! Okay I have to say a girl in a dress/skirt... ugh, my heart skips a beat. YOU'RE on MY mind. My wish (at 11:11) tonight. I wished that we become close and that I don't fall short when I meet you. Seriously can't wait to meet you! It can go one of two ways. We'll continue to grow closer OR we'll become inseparable. I'm kinda sorry... I'm being super mushy tonight. I'm usually not like this. You must be special :) Girls aren't like you. Ever. I'm kind of wondering how on earth no one has snatched you up! You definitely can't be single, I don't believe that. If you are, guys must be blind and stupid. I want to be that cute old couple that still loves each other more than life itself, that WANTS to spend eternity together. I can't wait to be the guy who shows that love for my wife. You're much prettier and absolutely amazing (than I thought) in person. I loved being with you."
He came over to my apartment and when I opened the door, he smiled and exclaimed, "Come give me a hug!" He told me his conversion story and all about his life. It was incredible and brought me to tears. He is extremely handsome and a little shorter than me haha... Imma tall girl. He's 24.
He wrote in my journal... "Today I went to work and it was a lot of fun! Then I ate pizza, broke into my house and went to meet an awesome girl! She loved my conversion story. Her room is so neat. Totally wish my room was decorated like this, you know... in a man way. Her bed is super comfy, I might steal it. We're totally going to hang out tomorrow, even though she thinks I don't want to... crazy girl right? I thought she was going to be super tall but she isn't. She's got super style. Okay so I want to write more but she is captivating my attention. So I'm going to write a letter tonight when I get home & give it to her. Wonder what tomorrow will bring... Holden."
I'm thinking meet him just breaks my heart. Literally to know guys like him exist, and I'll never be able to find one is devastating. It's right there, but I'll never have it. He's a sweetheart, but didn't seem to take any interest in me or my life. Why did I expect that he would? He said he's great at answering questions but not asking them.
The whole thing was just not at all what I expected. The story of how we met was unbelievable and cute and almost magical, and so I had dreams that once we met, sparks would fly and it would be like the movies where it would be amazing and from that day on we would be inseparable and best friends and maybe transform into more.
Charley's Steps to Follow to Avoid Ending Up Disappointed
Step 1: Don't think the possibilities are endless and dream up cutesy scenarios.
Step 2: Don't ever expect things to be even close to the movies.
Step 3: Expect the unexpected.
Step 4: Actually, don't expect anything.
Step 4: Actually, don't expect anything.
Step 5: Expect the worst because then things will be better than your expectations.
I'm glad and sad we met.
Maybe he's just amazing and me? Just an ordinary girl. Quite honestly, it's how he made me feel.
We're hanging out tomorrow, and my mind is already running away from me with limitless hopeless romantic type ways the evening could go. The worst part is I can't get it to stop and surely this will lead to more disappointment. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to be this miserable, self pitying, woe-is-me girl, I am happy, I'm just stating the facts and reality. I'm not going to lie to myself... it gets me nowhere.
The next day I made Holden and my family dinner--my four cheese and tomato pasta, garlic bread, and I bought two pints of ice cream (sweet chai tea and Phish food)-it's Holden's favorite dessert. I also got him some ginger ale because he loves it. He came over when he was off work. We had dinner with my family. My family just clicked with Holden. They love him.
After dinner, Holden and I went to the theater room and watched Water for Elephants. It was good. Holden liked it. The theater room was freezing cold (as it usually is). I told Holden I was so cold I had goosebumps. My hands felt like I was holding ice cubes. He told me he'd warm me up and cuddled with me. He wrapped his arms around me and held my hands and warmed me up. I could hear his heartbeat. I love that. However, it felt like it was awkward to him.
Once I warmed up, the cuddling was over for the rest of the night and it was then I knew with a surity he didn't and never would like me in a way more than associate/friends.
Journal entry--Wednesday December 14, 2011
:/ -No songs from Taylor Swift tonight, or any for that matter. Just a confused emoticon.
Why did I expect otherwise? Expect he'd be different? And I know this was only the second time we've ever hung out so it's normal not to be into each other, but he just deeply confuses me in a way I can't explain.
I totally think the best friendships/relationships start as being friends and getting to know one another but it seems as if he doesn't even want to get to know me. That's what bothers me like crazy. Why did I have such a strong feeling to add him when it seems like this is going nowhere?
P.S. He never gave me the letter he told me in here that he was going to write for me last night... I didn't ask for one, he just wrote that he was going to give me one. I'm thinking he never wrote one.
I wonder what he thinks of me, if anything...
Journal entry--Friday December 16, 2011
Aw today Paige told me I reminded her of a cartoon. I asked who, and she said a princess--Cinderella--because I'm so nice, loving, helpful, modest, and caring to others and one day my prince charming will soon come and sweep me off my feet. I sure hope so. I love my Paige. She is seriously amazing. Brie and Paige are thee best friends a girl could have. How did I get so lucky to have them in my life?
After work, Paige and I went on a much needed pop run, and then came to mom's and had some dinner, girls talk, and watched a movie in the theater room. It was a blast. Paige is a sweetheart and gives me the best advice. She is a major supporter of my life and of me.
When the movie was over, I drove Paige home. She gave me some advice about the Holden thing. She read through our text conversations and thinks he's totally into me, as does Brie. Ty concurs too. I hung out with them up here at RA's after I took Paige home. We got some pizza, soda, and watched Home Alone 2 in the theater room. We all laughed so hard. I needed it. Friends are such a blessing. They help me more than I can express. I invited Holden, but he declined. He wanted to just go home and be alone. I think he really just wanted to not be with me. All of my friends say I need to stop overthinking everything and get over my trust issues and that he does like me... if so, then why don't I believe it? Why do I feel like it's the opposite?
He's been down the past few nights. I don't understand why. He is near perfect in my eyes and can have everything he wants. He is that amazing and such a sweetheart. I hate to see him this way. I just want him to be happy no matter what it takes. I wish I could take away his sadness, make it all better. He doesn't deserve to feel this way! Even if he doesn't like me, I like him, I still want the absolute best for him. He is unlike any boy I've ever met.
Tonight I am accomplishing #55 Sleep on a Temper Pedic bed!
Journal entry--Sunday December 18, 2011
I am made of things that are stronger and brighter than you would believe.
I just returned from a freezing cold run/walk around the entire hill, the three mile loop I've walked and ran countless times all over since I'd barely learned to walk. So many memories that haunt me and pull at my heart. It was 19 degrees outside. I could see my breath, warm clouds against the cold night air. Everyone who grew up here with me on this hill, every single one of my friends who lived up here, are married and have moved on with their own, new, amazing lives. I doubt if any of them think of the good old days, yet alone walk these streets looking at our hold homes and hang out spots as memories rush back like you're watching a movie. It makes you realize how small and alone you are.
It was black outside except for the light from the houses and street lights. The frigid air burned my lungs but if felt better than feeling nothing. Am I forever destined to wander this earth alone, to walk these paths all by myself under the night, vast, star covered sky? Will anyone follow me into the dark? Where is home? I was thinking so hard, consumed by these unanswered questions that it didn't seem cold outside.
Okay I am done overthinking, second guessing, and having trust issues. It's not fair to Holden. It's not fair to me. I am going to stop being such a silly girl. I think I can trust Holden. He is truly amazing. After all, I didn't go searching for Holden, I was led to him. For what reason, it's unclear now, but that's okay. I think it's for a good reason.
I am good enough. I am a kind, good person and strive to do and be my best everyday. God made me perfectly the way I am supposed to be. There is no one else out there like me. I will find the one someday whether it be Holden or someone else I know now or will meet in the future. I'll find my kind of perfect.
Holden is a sweetheart. I'm going to get him a CTR ring for Christmas. He is way happy about it. His text to me was sweet but confuses me... "You really are something else... you're amazing. I think we make a pretty awesome couple. We make each other want to be better. We pretty much need to keep each other around :)" A couple? We haven't been on a single date nor has he asked me out. So please, if you have any idea what that means, let me know!
Life continues to change, but now I think it's going my way...
The next day, Tyler (a mutual friend of Holden and I) invited me to come to Family Home Evening where they were basically just sitting around the institute talking and having treats since most people were gone for Christmas Break. I decided to go and was glad I did. I had a blast. Tyler (name changed) and I sat talking and suddenly like three other boys came and sat in a circle with us! I was the center of attention trying to entertain them. I was giving them dating advice.
I had to try for an hour to convince Holden to come. Finally, towards the end, he did. He acted weird...he sort of ignored me. I didn't mind though because I was having a blast with Tyler and the other boys. I told them I was going to marry all of them and by that I meant I was going to be the girl version of Hitch and make them eternal marriages :) They all laughed. Boys are fun and easy to hang out with and talk to. I hope we can all become close friends.
Holden finally came and talked with us for the last fifteen or so minutes. We decided to hang out at my place afterwards. He talked to me about how he felt he needed to serve a mission. Then Tyler texted us and wanted us to come join him and their friends to watch a movie so we did.
Journal entry--Thursday December 22, 2011
Boys are stupid for the most part. That's all I have to say. They are confusing and make life more complicated. I really don't think Holden is into me. Oh well. I actually am not at all devastated or fazed by this realization. It's a wonderful life, my life. I'm happy, and my future is brighter than the stars. Love/romance shouldn't be frustrating or stressful. I'm not looking for it nor chasing it. If a man wants me, he will have to show it and chase me. I'll wait forever for my only exception. Holden may be amazing, but so am I. Everyone is.
I believe everyone should fall in love. Be passionate and fearless. Make your own movie moments. Listen to your heart. Hold each other. Kiss in the rain, underwater, on the forehead. Be thoughtful and generous. Believe in love at first sight. Hold hands. Laugh. Write love letters and make handmade gifts. Get dressed up for dates. Feel butterflies in your stomach. Create memories you will tell your grandchildren about. Cuddle. Learn from each other. Be patient and kind with your words. Grow old together. Be spontaneous. Always kiss each other goodnight. Remember why you fell in love. Make your own happily ever after.
On Christmas Eve, Holden came over to my parents house where our annual family Christmas Eve party/dinner was taking place. It was nice to see him and have him there. He brought a spirit of happiness and good feelings that made everything better. My family completely adored him. He had dinner. He was able to meet everyone that was there. I loved how kind he was and the effort he put into getting to know my family. It meant a lot.
I gave him his gift--a silver CTR spinner ring I bought him and a letter I wrote on my brand new The Notebook stationary. He LOVED the ring and it fit just right! Aw that made me so happy to see his face light up and his smile over the ring. He gave me a huge hug. Seeing him happy automatically made me happy. I hoped he would like the letter. I know I love getting a handwritten letter more than almost anything that's why I love writing them and giving them to others, to people I really care about.
My siblings adored Holden. My entire family had rarely taken to a boy in my life like they had with him, especially in such a short amount of time! He was special :) He was always welcome at our home. He wasn't able to stay as long as we wished but it was lovely seeing him nonetheless. He had to drive out of town to be with his family.
He texted me after he arrived at his home.
"I just want to thank you so much for my gift and I'm so grateful for our friendship :) Thank you for inviting me over. I just love your family so very much. Ha, honestly I don't know why they like me so much. But when your sister and your brother gave me a hug I just about cried. It made me feel so great :) Charley I want us to spend more time together. There's a good feeling around when we do. I already consider you one of my best friends. Thank YOU!!! We had better spend more time together. You're just the kind of person I need in my life. I feel like we need each other. Charley I love it (the ring)! I'm not going to take it off. It means so much to me :)"
Journal entry--Saturday December 24, 2011 Christmas Eve
Aw my lovely friends sent me sweet messages
Emma- "Merry Christmas! You are wonderful and beautiful and I'm very grateful for you <3"
Nicole- "Merry X-mas sis! I <3 you!"
Paige- "Merry Christmas lovely :) Miss u bunches. I hope you have a glorious Christmas!"
Brie- "Merry Christmas CiCi."
I love those girls, some of my best friends.
I love my life.
I love my family.
I love Christmas Eve & Christmas.
I love my other friends.
I love the spirit.
I love love.
I love music.
I love Christmas movies.
I love giving.
Most of all...
I love my Savior Jesus Christ who gave everything with pure, selfless, unconditional love who made everything possible.
Now for Holden & I's text conversation tonight
Holden: "P.S. I just read a note from this amazing girl. It touched my heart :) I loved it! I think handwritten letters are the very best in the world. I always feel like what's written is written for a reason :) I can tell you're so very caring. The way you were so willing to serve me as I ate and made sure that I had everything I needed. That is something I don't see much, and I basically melted. There was a girl (who I wrote a letter to everyday for a year & she didn't care)... I grew flowers in my garden, and I picked one every single day during the summer and left them on her windshield. Again, she didn't like them. WHO DOESN'T LIKE STUFF LIKE THAT?! That shows the person cares. It's cute. It's romantic... ugh people are dumb.
Charley, any guy that doesn't want to give you absolutely everything he's got is an idiot. One problem with me is it's hard for me to allow myself to get close to a girl since I've decided to serve a mission... it hurts me, but I know I'll be able to give even more after serving."
Me: "Yes you will be so very blessed for serving a mission. I just know it's the right thing for you to do, where you are supposed to be. Not only will it bless you, it will bless the lives of countless others. You will be saving lives. You will be a miracle. The Lord will bless you and your future family :) Love can wait. That girl that is meant for you will be there when you are done with your mission. Two years go by so fast. It seems like 2011 just began and now it's coming to an end! You are amazing, and I am so happy that you decided to do this."
H: "That's true. It'll go by quickly. Charley, my going on a mission is another reason why I'm so in love with the ring you gave me. You have no idea how many ways you have helped me. This will be something I can take with me no matter where I go and remember. I'm going to keep this ring forever. You have no idea how much I cherish this relationship we have. :)"
C: "That is why I was so excited to give you one as a gift. To let you know I support you. I want you to CTR (you would anyways without it but it is a reminder). I know your potential. It was one of the most special, meaningful gifts I have ever had the blessing of giving. That made my day to give that to you. I also want to be your friend forever, so if we both have CTR rings they symbolize that if we do what is right, do our absolute best, give all we have to others, we TRULY can be best friends FOREVER as in eternity. I just love that idea. Our friendship is something I treasure and care deeply about :)"
H: ":) You're going to make me cry. Your friendship is the best Christmas gift ever. We were supposed to have met."
Journal entry--Sunday December 25, 2011 Christmas Day
Holden and I have been texting nearly all day long. We started talking about mistletoe and how I have some at my apartment. Holden's never seen any so I told him I'd show it to him. Well it's on my list to kiss under mistletoe, and he's always wanted to do it. He said I'd better not be standing under the mistletoe. I asked why and thought it was a bad thing. He told me it was a good thing, and he'd have to kiss me to cross it off both of our lists!
Tomorrow, Imma be under the mistletoe... :) like the Bieber song. Holden is coming over to my new apartment to see my room all decorated and watch a movie, maybe #25 will be accomplished. I want to kiss him, I do, but more than that, I want it to mean something and not just be a kiss. I care about him. I hope (wish) he cares about me. What if he's just like the rest? Tyler told me he thought Holden was a bit of a player. I don't think it's fair to prejudge him though, yet the only way to find out is to assume the best and trust him. This has always failed me and left me hurt. Come what may and hopefully make the best of it.
I am having my very first Christmas sleepover with two of my favorite people ever--Ty and Brie! Love them. They really help make it feel like Christmas :) I'm so thankful for the gift of their friendship. I filled Brie and Ty in on everything I wrote above about the Holden situation. Of course they are worried and concerned and skeptical. They want me to be happy. At first glance, they feel Holden has no interest in me dating wise at all. They believe he only wants to use me and NCMO.
Now they acknowledge that they have no idea for sure of his intentions and have never met him, so they can't fairly determine these things, but for my hearts sake, they remain skeptical and don't believe I should kiss him unless we are in a serious, committed relationship. I understand this logic, I do... however, I'm the love story girl who has faith in love and likes to believe in true love's kiss, the magic of a first kiss in connecting two souls. Clearly, history has proven that I should follow my dear friends advice, but still what if this time is it, what if this could be the one?
No, I can't think that way. Expectations=disappointment. Shakespeare said that "Expectation is the root of all heartache." I am pretty sure he knows what he is talking about, given that he is still talked about hundreds of years after his death, he lives on. I have to not expect anything, and then the odds that the night will be amazing are more in my favor. Okay no more thinking about this. Tomorrow is tomorrow. Somethings coming and only time will tell where and what will happen.
I think Christmas is not as much about opening our presents as opening our hearts. My heart is full, overflowing even, with love for our Savior Jesus Christ and my lovely family and friends and you! Merry Christmas lovelies <3 How blessed we are!
No matter what happens in life, be good to people. Being good to people is a wonderful legacy to leave behind. Keep the spirit of Christmas in your heart everyday!
"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds."
-Noah Calhoun, The Notebook
"I've waited so long
to wake up on this morning
and unwrap your love."
-Tyler Knott Gregson
The next day, Holden came over to my new apartment to watch movies.
It was basically a disaster.
Journal Entry--Monday Dcemeber 26, 2011
Holden came over, and we watched A Walk to Remember and two episodes of House. I told him I was going to use his shoulder as a pillow. He let me but just sat there as stiff as a board, not cuddling or moving. He would make an excellent planker! Needless to say, I quickly removed my head from resting on his shoulder and didn't sit at all close to him for the rest of the night. Brie, or anyone else, can be assured that Holden will never NCMO me. He is a NOMOOC--(NO Make Out (kiss) Or (even) Cuddle! What on earth is wrong with me? Seriously, if someone could please let me know, that would be wonderful! He makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, like I'm not good enough.
Taylor Swift knows what she's talking about when she warns to "Look before you fall".
Jordan (sister) needed a ride home to our parents house later that night, so Holden and I gave her one. On our way back to my place, we passed a park, and I turned to Holden and asked if he wanted to be spontaneous and go swinging for a few minutes. He didn't want to, of course. I drove him past 3505 Somerset Drive, the yellow house, which is really important and significant to me. He didn't appear to care and wasn't the slightest bit interested.
This is my first night here in my new apartment.
I wish I'd never grown up. I could still be little. It could still be simple. Then nobody could ever hurt me. No one could break my heart.
I don't want to grow up, wish I'd never grown up. I want to be forever young.
Here comes the end, the final day I ever spoke to or saw Holden...
Journal Entry--Tuesday December 27,2011
I wanted to make this, the last week of 2011, the best, one to never forget, one worth remembering. That's not looking promising.
Mom and Jord are in Vegas until Thursday. They left today. Mom called me tonight to let me know she got me Kate Walsh's Boyfriend perfume! I am so excited for my new BOYFRIEND! This one will never hurt me :) That made this night a little better.
I took Jared and Christian (brother) to lunch at Panda Express because it's their absolute favorite.
Tonight, I went and got pizza and pop and had Brie, Tyson, and Holden over for dinner, games, and a movie. Chrish had Jared and Bechtal over. They played video games all night long. I wish I'd just sat up here alone tonight to be quite honest. It turned into a disaster. Ugh. Holden was beyond distant. We ate and then played Quelf. Holden doesn't really like that game. I could tell he wasn't really having fun. We were sitting a foot away from each other but it felt like a light year. It bother me a bit how Holden doesn't seem to appreciate all that I do for him. He acts ungrateful. He didn't say thank you once for dinner. He acted weird. I don't mean to be mean but seriously I, again, go unnoticed. It's like nothing I do is good enough. I'm not appreciated. This saddens me. I try too hard and end up heartbroken.
Haha lets lighten things up a bit for a moment... at one point tonight, I was Googling lyrics to "Patty Cake" so Holden (who was sitting under the dining room table) and Tyson could sing it while I was wearing Holden's belt wrapped around my head like a ninja as Brie dumped Bob's change jar all over the floor frantically searching for 68 cents... True story. If you've played Quelf, you understand that this is perfectly normal! It's a fun game. Good times.
After the fun and games, we all went to the theater room to watch a movie. We let the boys choose. Their choice was "The Proposal". It was cute. I'd never seen it before. I love Ryan Reynolds so very much. He needs to marry me! Holden and I sat in a cuddle chair. I might as well have sat alone in the front row alone. Tyson was texting me the whole time giving me tips. He told me to cuddle with Holden. He told me to make the first move,"Go big or go home CiCi" were his exact words. I responded that if Holden wanted to cuddle with me, he would. He was perfectly capable. It was obvious that I liked him. Ty said some guys are shy or different and if I never tried, I'd never know.
Against my better judgment, I decided to try to hold his hand. I put mine on top of his and he immediately pulled his away. It was like I had cooties or was infected with some deadly disease. Mood=morose.
I've made up my mind. At that moment, I realized this was the last time I'd ever hang out with Holden. I can't do it anymore. It's hopeless. I'm hopeless. Romance and love are hopeless. I like him. I am getting feelings for him. He doesn't feel the same nor does he like me. I can't pretend that my feelings for him don't exist nor can I hide them. I won't wait around for feelings that aren't there. I can't let myself fall deeper. I have to just cut our ties now. There is nothing (well almost nothing) worse than continuing to hope I have a chance when it's an impossibility. It feels real from the outside but the inside is hollow nothingness. Why do I keep meeting people who enter and exit my life at the pace of a revolving door? I can lock everyone in my heart--forever they will stay--unfortunately, I cannot keep them in my life.
I am tired of boys and their endless lies. They say they're "not like all the rest"--well just saying that is meaningless. It doesn't mean it's true. "All of the rest" generally say the same. You have to prove it in actions not just words.
In the words of Dave Matthews, "A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other... Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever." Or maybe just one of them will.
I deleted Holden from my FB friends. I don't see the point in being FB friends when we are the furthest thing from friends in reality. He just recently realized I did this and was in shock. I said that friends don't just ignore their friends and quit talking to them and act distant. He had nothing to say in defense of that because it's true. I am right. He did say I changed his life for the better though. Maybe that was the purpose in me being led to him. To help him. It wasn't about me, it was about him, and I'm okay with that.
Of course it hurts that I was amazing to him, I did things to make him happy. I wrote him letters, bought him gifts, gave him my time and he didn't appreciate it or care. That is too bad. I am just tired of doing these things for nothing. I'm just so very tired.
This is the last almost love story. I am done with boys. I want a man. One who knows how to treat a girl. One who appreciates me and all that I do. One who cares about love. One who cares in general. Maybe love isn't meant to be for me. I will remain a hopeless romantic no matter what. No one can take that from me. I may be hopeless, but I like to believe that love isn't.
The next day, Holden came over to my new apartment to watch movies.
It was basically a disaster.
Journal Entry--Monday Dcemeber 26, 2011
Holden came over, and we watched A Walk to Remember and two episodes of House. I told him I was going to use his shoulder as a pillow. He let me but just sat there as stiff as a board, not cuddling or moving. He would make an excellent planker! Needless to say, I quickly removed my head from resting on his shoulder and didn't sit at all close to him for the rest of the night. Brie, or anyone else, can be assured that Holden will never NCMO me. He is a NOMOOC--(NO Make Out (kiss) Or (even) Cuddle! What on earth is wrong with me? Seriously, if someone could please let me know, that would be wonderful! He makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, like I'm not good enough.
Taylor Swift knows what she's talking about when she warns to "Look before you fall".
Jordan (sister) needed a ride home to our parents house later that night, so Holden and I gave her one. On our way back to my place, we passed a park, and I turned to Holden and asked if he wanted to be spontaneous and go swinging for a few minutes. He didn't want to, of course. I drove him past 3505 Somerset Drive, the yellow house, which is really important and significant to me. He didn't appear to care and wasn't the slightest bit interested.
This is my first night here in my new apartment.
I wish I'd never grown up. I could still be little. It could still be simple. Then nobody could ever hurt me. No one could break my heart.
I don't want to grow up, wish I'd never grown up. I want to be forever young.
Here comes the end, the final day I ever spoke to or saw Holden...
Journal Entry--Tuesday December 27,2011
I wanted to make this, the last week of 2011, the best, one to never forget, one worth remembering. That's not looking promising.
Mom and Jord are in Vegas until Thursday. They left today. Mom called me tonight to let me know she got me Kate Walsh's Boyfriend perfume! I am so excited for my new BOYFRIEND! This one will never hurt me :) That made this night a little better.
I took Jared and Christian (brother) to lunch at Panda Express because it's their absolute favorite.
Tonight, I went and got pizza and pop and had Brie, Tyson, and Holden over for dinner, games, and a movie. Chrish had Jared and Bechtal over. They played video games all night long. I wish I'd just sat up here alone tonight to be quite honest. It turned into a disaster. Ugh. Holden was beyond distant. We ate and then played Quelf. Holden doesn't really like that game. I could tell he wasn't really having fun. We were sitting a foot away from each other but it felt like a light year. It bother me a bit how Holden doesn't seem to appreciate all that I do for him. He acts ungrateful. He didn't say thank you once for dinner. He acted weird. I don't mean to be mean but seriously I, again, go unnoticed. It's like nothing I do is good enough. I'm not appreciated. This saddens me. I try too hard and end up heartbroken.
Haha lets lighten things up a bit for a moment... at one point tonight, I was Googling lyrics to "Patty Cake" so Holden (who was sitting under the dining room table) and Tyson could sing it while I was wearing Holden's belt wrapped around my head like a ninja as Brie dumped Bob's change jar all over the floor frantically searching for 68 cents... True story. If you've played Quelf, you understand that this is perfectly normal! It's a fun game. Good times.
After the fun and games, we all went to the theater room to watch a movie. We let the boys choose. Their choice was "The Proposal". It was cute. I'd never seen it before. I love Ryan Reynolds so very much. He needs to marry me! Holden and I sat in a cuddle chair. I might as well have sat alone in the front row alone. Tyson was texting me the whole time giving me tips. He told me to cuddle with Holden. He told me to make the first move,"Go big or go home CiCi" were his exact words. I responded that if Holden wanted to cuddle with me, he would. He was perfectly capable. It was obvious that I liked him. Ty said some guys are shy or different and if I never tried, I'd never know.
Against my better judgment, I decided to try to hold his hand. I put mine on top of his and he immediately pulled his away. It was like I had cooties or was infected with some deadly disease. Mood=morose.
I've made up my mind. At that moment, I realized this was the last time I'd ever hang out with Holden. I can't do it anymore. It's hopeless. I'm hopeless. Romance and love are hopeless. I like him. I am getting feelings for him. He doesn't feel the same nor does he like me. I can't pretend that my feelings for him don't exist nor can I hide them. I won't wait around for feelings that aren't there. I can't let myself fall deeper. I have to just cut our ties now. There is nothing (well almost nothing) worse than continuing to hope I have a chance when it's an impossibility. It feels real from the outside but the inside is hollow nothingness. Why do I keep meeting people who enter and exit my life at the pace of a revolving door? I can lock everyone in my heart--forever they will stay--unfortunately, I cannot keep them in my life.
I am tired of boys and their endless lies. They say they're "not like all the rest"--well just saying that is meaningless. It doesn't mean it's true. "All of the rest" generally say the same. You have to prove it in actions not just words.
In the words of Dave Matthews, "A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other... Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever." Or maybe just one of them will.
I deleted Holden from my FB friends. I don't see the point in being FB friends when we are the furthest thing from friends in reality. He just recently realized I did this and was in shock. I said that friends don't just ignore their friends and quit talking to them and act distant. He had nothing to say in defense of that because it's true. I am right. He did say I changed his life for the better though. Maybe that was the purpose in me being led to him. To help him. It wasn't about me, it was about him, and I'm okay with that.
Of course it hurts that I was amazing to him, I did things to make him happy. I wrote him letters, bought him gifts, gave him my time and he didn't appreciate it or care. That is too bad. I am just tired of doing these things for nothing. I'm just so very tired.
This is the last almost love story. I am done with boys. I want a man. One who knows how to treat a girl. One who appreciates me and all that I do. One who cares about love. One who cares in general. Maybe love isn't meant to be for me. I will remain a hopeless romantic no matter what. No one can take that from me. I may be hopeless, but I like to believe that love isn't.
