JACOB
October 2011
Okay... so this really isn't even close to a love story at all.
I didn't like Jake as more than anything but a fling.
Still... it's a story worth telling...
Jacob was the first boy I got close to since Aiden.
I went to high school with Jake. He was my sister's age and we met through her.
We both live in the same apartment complex and started texting in September planning to meet, but something always came up for one of us and it never happened... until October.
I met Jacob on my mom's birthday.
Journal entry--Wednesday October 5, 2011
"I finally met Jacob tonight! We have so much in common! He was easy to talk to. There wasn't a single awkward moment of silence. We talked about almost everything from likes and dislikes, work, school, family, the future, movies, love, the past, the present, how we both know like no one in these apartments and how all of our friends are married or gone, how we both are lonely and come home alone and just hang out in our rooms, etc. I thought I was the only one!
I'm glad we met. He's cute and sweet. His dad passed away when Jake was only in the eighth grade from brain cancer. Poor kid. I am shocked that he stayed strong in spite of the tragedy. He was sad. He still misses his father (of course) because his dad didn't get to see him learn to drive, won't be there for major events in his life, and the fact that they didn't have an adult/grown up relationship (they will one day, I know it). I admire his strength and the way he tries to see the good and be positive no matter how bad things may seem or during negative times. He's also a very hard worker who knows what he wants to do in life.
I thought we connected strongly. That's rare when it comes to meeting people for the first time, especially boys. I'm generally guarded and shy when first meeting people, but not with Jacob. He acted like he sincerely cared and wanted to know me deeply. I know I am that way with him.
Boys are hard to read though. I hope he had a good time and likes me. I asked him to play me a song on his guitar for my birthday. He said he would. I'm excited to hear him play! He made tonight so great!
It is fall. Today it rained and poured (that is so rare here), and I have to admit that after I met Jacob as he was leaving, I wished he'd help me accomplish #43... haha a girl can dream right? Just kidding about that, I mean I want to accomplish that, but with someone special, not someone I just met. Unfortunately the world isn't a Nicholas Sparks novel. I won't lie I miss kissing, cuddling, butterflies, and holding hands.
However, I'm not going to be anything more than friends with Jacob. I hope we can be good friends though. It would be nice to have a guy best friend! Plus he likes Grey's Anatomy! That made me smile."
Quotes I wrote in my journal during this time...
"You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful, and then you actually talk to them, and five minutes later they're as dull as a brick? Then there's other people. You meet them and you think 'Not bad they're okay.' And then you get to know them, and their face just sort of becomes them, like their personality is written all over it, and they turn into something so beautiful." -Amy Pond, Doctor Who
"People can change. They just don't because it's easier not to. We're always waiting for our lives to begin, like figuring we'll be someone else someday. But what are we waiting for? All we have is now. Don't run from this." -One Tree Hill
"If you have to keep wondering where you stand with someone, maybe it's time you stop standing and start walking."
"When we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in ourselves."
"How unique to this human experience that we all just wish to be the most important thing on earth to someone else." -Tyler Knott Gregson
"If you can allow yourself to breathe into the depth, wonder, beauty, craziness, and strife-- everything that represents the fullness of your life-- you can live fearlessly. Because you come to realize if you keep breathing, you cannot be conquered." -Oprah
"We have no right to ask when sorrow comes 'why did this happen to me?' unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way."
Over the next week, my mom took me for a mother/daughter weekend in SLC for my birthday to go shopping, dinner, movie, etc. It was a blast and lovely to spend time with her. I got back into town and had a girls night with my amazing friend Paige-Madison.
Then the following day, Jacob and I hung out at his place. We talked and talked and talked as time passed in the blink of an eye. I swear we could talk for hours. Well his roommate Jim (name changed) was there and asked us to help him put up Halloween decorations so we did. Jim is an awesome, hilarious kid.
We all just ended up talking and hanging out in their living room until nearly 5:30am! We just had so much fun talking, yes just talking, that we lost track of time.
Journal entry--Wednesday October 12, 2011
"Jacob and I hung out at his house tonight and watched The Notebook. I thought it was sweet of him to watch it. He actually thought it was good. I love how the conversations between us are effortless, it's like we can tell each other anything. I think I am kind of falling for him, not anywhere near love, just I really really really like him. He's hard to read.
If we were just good friends, this wouldn't bother me. However, it feels like we are slowly, but surely, inching, turning, transforming into a little bit more. Today we held hands and cuddled, oh how I have missed being that close to a boy... feeling safe, happy, butterflies, making all my fears and problems seem miles, even light years away...
I don't really know what to do. I can't end up hurt again. I don't want Jacob's name to end up on the long list of all the boys who I've fallen for... ones that didn't catch me or did, but only momentarily, and then let me go, just dropped me and then let me crash to the ground causing damage to my heart and walking away carelessly. I can't handle that. Not right now.
I hate how time doesn't just fly--it teleports away invisibly. It's like the hours we spent together were merely minutes. There isn't enough time. I sometimes wish time would just stop for a bit."
Well, the next day was the day before my birthday. It was going wonderfully. My mom sent me the most beautiful flowers to my work.
Journal entry--Thursday October 13, 2011 & Friday October 14, 2011
"Tonight was the closest thing to an amazing night I've had in the longest time and, yes, it was with Jacob. This time we hung out at my place. We watched Supernatural. Jacob really likes that show. We watched the first episode, because I'd never seen it. It's really good and interesting.
I love being in his arms when he hugged me, hearing his heartbeat and wondering if it was beating that way for me. We got into another endless conversation going into topics about everything from Lagoon to our heritages to beliefs in different things and on and on. I love talking to him because he actually listens. There is definitely some connection between us.
And he was there my last few hours of being 21 and my first hour being 22. I am glad he was there for those hours with me. He was the first person to say happy birthday, and like magic, he gave me a birthday kiss that was completely unexpected. I couldn't stop smiling. He pushed my hair back and kissed me on the forehead which is one of the sweetest things a guy can do. It was the closest thing to a Nicholas Sparks moment that I've ever had. Jacob is the most amazing boy I've met in a long time. I really care about him.
I don't know what to do. Am I seeing what I want to see? Is that hopeless romantic in me blowing this out of proportion? Is this too good to be true? How does Jacob feel about it all?"
My birthday ended up a total mess. It wasn't such a great day. I mean everything is okay now. It all was resolved but there was conflict. Anyways I was having what you could call a bad day, which is worse when it's your birthday. My birthday felt like just another day, like it wasn't special and didn't matter. Your birthday is the one day where it's all about you. Your day. I know that sounds selfish, I don't mean to sound like that, but birthdays are special.
Well Jacob could tell I was distant and upset in my texts even though I kept insisting I was fine, that he didn't have to care about me, that he shouldn't. He worked and had school all day so I didn't get to see him.
He said to me in response, "Ok but I'm gonna worry about you."
The next day, I went to Brie and Ty's because they are my best friends and give me the best advice because they want what's best for me.
They celebrated my birthday and my little brother's (we were born on the same day) and had cake and presents and it was so sweet. They are amazing.
Well I talked with Brie and we both agreed I needed to go talk to Jacob about how I was feeling... that we couldn't kiss or hold hands or anything unless we were in a relationship. I left Brie's for a few hours and went and talked to Jake about all of this.
He promised he really cared about me, that I wasn't just another girl, and that he really liked me. I didn't know what to think or believe. I didn't know where we stood at all. Clearly we were moving beyond just friends. However, I needed to know if we were in a relationship or what? I didn't have a clue what he thought. I refused to be used or just a fling. I know we hadn't known each other long, but still...
I don't believe in wasting time and being friends who cuddle, kiss, or hold hands--a sort of friends with benefits deal. That's not okay with me. It's not how I operate. So I texted him asking where we stood. I had to know.
Not knowing is almost the worst thing in the world. Even worse is thinking you have a chance with someone when you don't. I'd rather find out right then. I couldn't let myself get closer to him for nothing.
I wondered (and still do) why boys were soooo confusing. Why can't they be more like Jack Dawson? Yes, I was back at Brie's watching Titanic. I needed my Leo fix. Jack made things better... as did talking to Brie.
More quotes:
"I don't have the time to jump through hoops to prove that I am worthy of someone's affections, and even if I did have the time? That's not how I would spend it."
"I don't want to text you. I don't want to call you. I want to be in your arms, hold your hand, feel you breathe, hear your heart. I want to be with you."
"Don't say you miss me when you don't even try to talk to me."
"Your life is your message to the world. Make sure it's inspiring."
"She wanted something else, something different, something more. Passion and romance perhaps, or maybe quiet conversations in candlelit rooms, or perhaps something as simple as not being second." -Nicholas Sparks
Jacob texted me back and informed me that he didn't want to be just friends with benefits or lose our friendship, but he didn't want to rush things. He said he loved where we were then and spending time together, and I agreed but only for a certain amount of time. I am 22 and done with games and lack of commitment with boys. I want something real that lasts and not some brief petty thing that ends when the boy decides he's bored or to move on to another girl.
With Jacob, it was like we could talk about anything, but he was holding back and not telling me everything. If he kept this up, I knew what I wanted and deserved and if things didn't change for the better in the next few weeks, I was going to end things. Now if we had just been friends, none of this would be an issue, but when Jake was wanting to kiss me, hold my hands, and cuddle with me, that is more than friends... That's what bothered me.
Silly quotes Brie wrote in my journal:
"All you need is love."
"I don't believe in Beatles. I just believe in me."
"It's love not Santa Claus."
"Just because you two like the same bizzaro crap you do doesn't mean she's your soulmate."
"This is lies. We are liars. Think about it."
"Everybody lies."
"Everybody lies."
"You can't always get what you want... but if you try, sometimes you get what you need."
"Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galatica."
I'd been talking to Brie and Ty again about the update on the Jacob situation...
Brie on Jacob: "His hesitation makes me hesitant. No one should hesitate to have a chance with an amazing girl like you."
Tyson on Jacob: "He still loves his ex and is not over her."
The week after my birthday, Jacob and I hung out again.
He was turning into my "Gordo" (as in Lizzie McGuire's best friend), my guy best friend who I'm entirely comfortable around and can talk about anything and everything with. We had the best conversations. There needed to be more time for us to hang out. Jacob said, "I'll always make time for you!" So presh, I thought. However, he held my hand and that didn't feel like "building a friendship" it felt like a little more.
We talked about some amazing adventures we planned for the near and distant future such as going to the haunted, abandoned basement where I work, going skydiving, ski parachuting, skiing, a whole lot of movie watching, when I'm a doctor and he's whatever-he-chooses-to-be-in-the-future, we're going to travel to all the continents for a week or two until we see all of them, and much more--and he said it was a for sure thing.
Well over the next few weeks, Jacob and I would hang out more. I was happy we met and were friends but still very confused. I adored and needed our friendship. He made me happy and for that I was grateful. He listened to me and asked questions and cared. I wanted nothing but the best for him, whatever that may be.
Then came the demise of Jacob and me... or so I thought...
Journal entry--Saturday October 22, 2011
"What a waste of a Saturday night... McHale is with Alex, Chrish is with friends, mom and Jordan are in Utah at a Jason Aldean concert, as for me? What am I doing? Well obviously I'm writing and generally I never spend all day writing in my journal. The correct answer is sitting on my bed, alone, doing nothing, all dressed up with nowhere to go. Will loneliness forever define my life? I hope not.
There is a reason as to why I am alone doing nothing tonight: Jacob.
Boys can be so selfish, egotistical, misery inflicting, narrow minded, vainglorious, inconsiderate, boorish, childish, dispassionate, conceited, ill-mannered, rude, vulgar, indecent, cocky, conceited, vain, phony, deceitful, misleading, equivocating, arrogant, supercilious, cavalier, haughty, disrespectful, and a million other adjectives I'm not going to name. You get the picture. I supposed there would be no hope for me if I classified all guys under this category, and I believe they aren't all like that... just 99% of men fall under that definition... 1% are the complete opposite. It's unnerving and scary and heartbreaking to say the least.
I mean what if all the 1% are taken? Am I meant to be alone? What if I've been wasting all of my time and energy on the 99.9%, the wrong ones, and the right one for me is with someone else? I can't let myself believe that even if it's true, because that would break me, it would give my heart no reason to keep on beating, my life would be pointless and meaningless. No, even though the hope I am hanging onto for dear life is as thin as a string, it's everything and no one can take it from me.
What is it about October and these awful, always-end-badly, fall romances that end as quickly as they begin? Seriously I'm done getting involved with anyone in October because it's pointless! History proves it! First there was college Anton (name changed), then Sam (that whole relationship was an extension of the October short term flings, it was all wrong and stretched on for way too long), then Aiden last year, and now Jacob! I've most definitely learn my lesson the hard way.
So you're probably anxious to hear the story of the demise of the Jacob thing... it's quite like the rest. Lonely, hopeless romantic, girl (me) meets boy who seems like a catch and wonderful and you get caught up in the meeting someone new and the butterflies and get all wrapped up and so happy that it makes things appear as you want them to be and not as they really are. Warning signs that he's just like every other guys are ignored because you are scared and like being with someone. Then the signs start popping up everywhere until the boy does what the rest of them do--leaving you alone with almost no explanation or care. They forget about you like you are unimportant, easily replaceable, and not good enough.
I respect myself and am strong enough now to never let it happen again.
I actually am a little relieved that the Jacob thing was so short lived so I didn't get too attached.
Okay, I will finally tell you the story.
Well the past few weeks when we would get together, it was always arranged around his schedule, then he'd "get tired" and end our hanging out randomly, and a night that irritated me the most, until tonight, Jacob and I were hanging out at his place, not very late mind you, watching a movie, when he just fell asleep on my shoulder. Am I really that boring of a person? To bore him to sleep? Wow.
Then, as I've mentioned before, he was always texting or calling and would leave in the middle of a conversation that we were having or during a movie and walk out into another room and talk to her for long periods of time. I find that to be incredibly rude and impolite. It really bothered me.
Now tonight we had made plans to hang out at 6:00 after he got off work. We made these plans at the beginning of this week and even pinky promised it (we made pinky promises all the time which he continually broke like when he promised he would play me a song for my birthday and I got all excited about it, and he let me down). Since we had plans, I didn't make any plans. Jacob and I's plans were to visit this abandoned mental hospital since Halloween is coming up and then watch a movie.
Well I had a great time with Chrish (my brother) this afternoon. I picked him up from drivers ed, took him to lunch, and then dropped him off at a friend's, and then I came home and got ready so I could look somewhat pretty.
Well it gets close to 6 when Jacob texts me: "I might have to work a double today."
I asked why to which he responded: "Because my manager is on vacation but it will be money at least. How is your day?"
Here's the rest of our text conversation...
Charley (me): "My day is good. So do you want to hang out another day?"
Jacob: "No we should still tonight I just don't know when I'm gonna be off is that okay?"
C: "Yeah that should work out haha, but I bet you will be extremely tired." (I was being sarcastic and referring to the excuses he uses to get rid of me).
J: "No I'm still doing something tonight I promise :) I get off at 8 so that's not that bad."
C: (I was upset so I tried to convey it in being short with him) "No it isn't. That's good..."
Well I wasn't going to waste time waiting for him so Rian, Hannah, and I made plans to go see the movie "Crazy Stupid Love" at 7. Hannah and I met up and went. Rian bailed on us. Well things with Hannah were awkward since we never talk or hang out anymore. The movie started and at 7:24, I get this text from Jacob: "Finally off!"
C: "Really? How did that happen so fast? What are you going to do with your friend Jamal tonight?"
(He just "barely" remembered last night that it was one of his best friend's birthday today and said he had to do something with him).
J: "I'm not sure. Would you still want to hang out with us?"
C: "I don't want to interrupt your boys time. Do you want to hang out afterwards? I mean I do want to hang out, but you can do your thing first if you want."
J: "Well I want to see you tonight for at least a little bit. When can you hang out?"
C: "What time are you hanging out with them?"
J: "I don't know I haven't heard really."
C: "Oh are you going to hang out at your place or is he having a party?"
J: "I'm not sure where haha."
C: "Well when you find out let me know and then we can figure out a time to hang out."
J: "Ok are you busy tomorrow at all?"
C: "Um kinda. Why? Do you not want to hang out tonight?"
J: "No I do, just wondering if you would wanna hang tomorrow too :)!"
C: "Oh okay. I can pry make time for you tomorrow :) Where's Jim? Does he know what time Jamal is having his party?"
J: "Jim's out of town for the weekend. Would you want to hang out for a bit before Jamal figures his stuff out?"
C: "Yeah what time?"
J: "9?"
C: "That works. Do you want to come to my place or yours? Do you have a preference?"
J: "How about yours this time?"
C: "Okay great. I am just leaving so I will text you when I get home."
This was at 8:50. I was really trying to drag out the conversation with Jake by avoiding his questions and asking my own because I really didn't want to leave Hannah alone... but I really wanted to see Jacob. Basically I was being a complete idiot.
Obviously you know what I did...
I left Hannah.
Honestly, other than the fact that Ryan Gosling is extremely attractive, I wasn't a fan of the movie. I couldn't get into it. There was only like a half an hour left. I told Hannah I'll be right back and left the theater. I really felt terrible. I mean I guess maybe it taught her how Rian and I have felt recently with Hannah avoiding us and never writing/calling us back and ignoring us, but I didn't mean to be revengeful. I would never do that to anyone--especially friends. What Hannah did to me hurt. I'd never want her to feel that way.
I immediately texted her explaining things. I was nice and apologetic. I told her I had the worst chest pains and needed to go home and take something for it and that I would've explained this in person except A) The theater was too loud and B) I didn't want her to have to miss the movie. These are all truths. The chest pain thing is true. I still have pain all the time. I just left out the part where Jacob was the main reason behind all of it.
I really hope I didn't upset her. She probably is mad and will never speak to me again or do anything with me. That's the worst part. I was dumb and put Jacob before Hannah when he'd never do that for me, just drop everything to see me.
Look at what infatuation does to you. It impairs your judgment. It' snot all it's talked up to be. In the end, infatuation just hurts everyone. I truly hope Hannah forgives me.
J: "Alright sounds good."
C: "I just got home. You can come over :)"
Twenty minutes later...
No response.
I was really starting to get upset.
Twenty more minutes later of pointless, wasted, waiting.
Suddenly my phone rings: it's Jacob.
He tells me this odd story about how he was out running errends (since when do you go run errends twenty/ten minutes before you are about to hang out with someone?) and his work called and said they needed help with cleaning and closing (Mind you it was nearly ten when he called, and the store closes at nine, and Jacob always talks baout how easy closing is and it only takes 15 mins max). I knew/had a strong suspicion he was lying. He said he was almost done and would call me when he was headeing over.
Half an hour later...
Jacob has the nerve to call me again and say it was late and a long night and he was really sorry about everything that came up, but he thought we should just hang out tomorrow. I was pissed. I could hear people being loud and music in the background. You could tell in his voice he was lying. You could tell in my tone I was mad. He asked if everything was okay? I coolly responded yep. He then asks if I was mad? HELLO! Obviously! Then I said bye and right before I hung up, he says call me tomorrow and let me know when you want to get together.
I couldn't believe it.
Oh and another thing: Jacob NEVER calls me. Ever. He never had before tonight. I am not stupid. He would always step out of the room saying he had to make a call so I wouldn't catch on, and then he'd call her outside. He totally had to be some other pathetic girl who he was trying to hide from me and vice versa. The phone call thing proved that the feelings I've had from the start about him possibly being a liar were the truth. Feelings are there for a reason--good or bad. Listen to them.
I don't know if I am more angry at myself for believing Jacob was amazing and not like the rest of mad at Jacob himself for fooling me for a brief time. Too bad I'm not like the other girls. I'm intelligent. I notice these things and add them up till the pieces come together and reveal the true picture, the real Jacob. I don't like the real Jacob at all. He's a stranger. The Jacob I knew was a mask, an act, a mirage of what I wanted to see.
I am proud of myself for listening to my heart and telling Jacob I only wanted to be friends. I stayed strong and didn't let myself fall. I protected myself and my heart. I saved my heart for the one who deserves it. Jacob never has or will deserve my heart. I forgive him, but we're done. We could never be close friends like we were before, because he hurt me and broke my trust and promises. You don't do that to someone you care for. You can always find time for the ones you care about.
Jacob and I will be acquaintances and that's it.
The rest of our texts and probably the last ones ever...
C: "So I don't think tomorrow will work. Just letting you know now so you don't go and make the time for me and end up finding out at the last minute that I can't hang out with you and that you have just wasted an afternoon or night when you could have made other plans." --I was referring to what happened to me and being sarcastic, but of course he didn't catch it. Selfish people never do. As long as they are happy who cares about others feelings?
J: "Oh alright. Well when can you hang out again? I'm really sorry about tonight."
C: "I don't know."
J: "Are you mad at me?"
C: "Listen if you want to hang out with me, just tell me. You don't have to keep hanging out with me if I bore you or if you feel like you have to hang out with me out of some obligation. I can take a hint. I notice these things."
J: "I don't know where you're getting that I'm bored of you. I have never gotten bored of you. I'm sorry it didn't work out tonight. I would like to hang out again. Just let me know if you do."
I didn't respond. I went on a drive under the starlit sky and got a Diet Pepsi to relax and clear my head and calm down.
It worked. I'm over caring about people who don't care about me! I mean I am a sweet, loving person so I will always care about Jacob but never like I did before.
Oh Jacob just texted me.
J: "Hey I'm sorry if I upset you. You're an awesome person, I like you and don't want to lose your friendship. If we need to talk about something lets do sometime. I hope your night is good."
C: "Yeah... you too."
I'm done with trying to win Jacob over. "You're an awesome person" isn't good enough for me. Hello, of course he upset me! If he doesn't want to lose my friendship maybe he should've tried harder and been a better friend. Maybe this whole thing was karma for leaving Hannah. Well if I want to be forgiven by Hannah, I have to forgive Jacob. I do forgive him and am letting it go. I have nothing to talk to him about.
If he truly does like me and values our friendship, he's going to have to prove it and work hard to get it back. It will take time. If he values our friendship, he will do anything to get it back. But truth be told, we all know this is never going to happen... If he valued the friendship and me then we wouldn't be in this situation. With every action comes consequences. Jacob can't think it's okay to treat someone so carelessly or lie to them. I wish Jacob the best life has to offer. I think the problem is he doesn't have any idea what he wants in life, and I pity him for this. There's almost nothing worse than having no goals or inspiration, than not knowing what you want."
"I am lost my love, and you are the only star that shines in my sky."
-Tyler Knott Gregson
"Before we were we
you were every thought and every dream
of a lonely me."
-TKG
"Hope is alive while we're apart. Only tears from my heart break the chains that hold us down and we shall be forever bound."
-Ben Harper
"I'm not sure why I have so much love in my heart. Why not I suppose? Why doesn't everyone? If people focused on loving a bit more, maybe the allocation of our energies would be a lot more productive and peaceful. Where do I get the love? I think I make it. I think we have a choice every moment to be, do, think, say, feel whatever we wish... why not choose love instead of all the other junk we waste time with?"
-TKG
"Whenever we kiss
we live under our closed eyes
and vanish from here."
-TKG
"Love isn't about what you can prove, it's about what you don't have to."
-TKG
It's me, so I forgave Jacob and soon we hung out again.
He gave me the following explanation for what happened Saturday: "Ok to clear things up. I was supposed to get off at 8 but they let me go just after seven because I was pushing overtime and business was slowing down. I had to run a few errends, like drop a game off at my friend's house. That's why I said nine would work. Well my work called me again and said they got really busy and asked me to come in and help close. On Friday & Saturday we close at 10 so that's why I didn't get back to you until then. The people you heard in the background was the radio from my work. I can see where you're coming from. I'm sorry it was confusing and maybe a couple of things were taken the wrong way by both of us. I care too much about our friendship to lie to you like that. Things just didn't work out last night. It sucked and I'm sorry."
I didn't know what to believe. Everyone I talked to who knew Jacob, even McHale, said he was honest, sweet, and would never hurt me or lie. Then why did my heart feel otherwise? The truth was I would never know the truth. I just had to trust and take his word. I valued our friendship and did care about him. When it comes to me I'm not the type of girl to let people walk out of my life and pretend they don't matter anymore. I may not like that person anymore or talk to him or her, but I still care. I'm always going to think back to my life and say I wonder what happened to so and so. I hope they're alright. I will actually mean it. That is the type of person I am. Once you're in my heart, you're there forever.
Maybe I was just a little hurt with facing and accepting the facts that all we were and ever would be was friends--no more hand holding, cuddling or kisses. It felt like that brief fling was just a dream. I knew Jacob and I could and would never fall in love. I just missed the butterflies and feeling of being close to someone. That connection. It was for the better. Jacob wasn't the one for me, and I wasn't the one for him. We both knew it. I think he was protecting me. I don't know. It was official: just friends. I liked having a guy friend who listened, cared, and gave me a male perspective on things. He really was fun to be around. It's just different to have a guy friend who just wants to be a friend. That had never really happened to me unless you counted my friends Mat, Justin, and Cameron, but I didn't. I'd rather be Jacob's friend than nothing.
I think everyone who comes into our lives are there for a reason, even if we don't see or understand it at the time.
That night Jake and I watched some movies, first a scary one and then this hilarious documentary. We laughed soooo hard. He gave me a ride to my place afterwards because it was cold outside. I thought that was very kind of him.
More quotes...
"Never forget, no matter how overwhelming life's challenges and problems seem to be, that one person can make a difference in the world. In fact, it's because of one person that all the changes in the world come about. So be that person."
-Buckminister Fuller
"For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of stars makes me dream."
-Vincent Van Gogh
"The moment we begin to seek love, love begins to seek us. And to save us."
-Paulo Coelho
"Fate loves the fearless."
During this time I wrote the following in my journal...
"Sometimes I wonder what the person I will spend the rest of my life with, my soulmate, is doing at that very moment. What are they like, where do they live, when will I meet them, how old are they, who do they hang out with, what do they look like, are they happy?
And in those moments, I can understand the magnitude of fate."
Towards the end of the month, Jacob really wanted to hang out, but Brie and Ty wanted to as well. They come before him. Things were awkward with Jacob and me. I didn't get why he still wanted to hang out. He had become so closed off and quiet. He wouldn't open up around me. I didn't know why. It was like we were moving in reverse. I wanted to be going forward. I wasn't meaning dating or romance, I just meant in general with our friendship. I liked Jake. He was nice and all but confusing.
A few days later, we did hang out. He came over to my parents' home and we watched a movie in the theater room. The next day, he came to my place and we just watched another movie. That was the last time I saw him. We haven't hung out or texted much since. Sometimes he will text me hi and see how I am doing but that's it. We just faded away, drifted apart. It's unfortunate, but sometimes people are only supposed to be in your life a brief time and you can't control it, you just have to enjoy the time you do have with them. I hope Jacob has a wonderful life.
"Maybe I don't know how to be happy. For a long time, I've been at baseline. Just alive, breathing, heart beating. "Happy" just seemed really far away. And that was the best I could do. Maybe I don't know how to be happy. But I wanna learn. I wanna be happy. And you so often make me happy. So I know I said no, but if you are still willing to fight for me, then I am willing to be fought for. Except it wouldn't be much of a fight. You'd win."
"The past can be escaped only by embracing something better."
-Nicholas Sparks, "The Best of Me"
"Maybe I just want to believe in love, even if it doesn't all the way believe in me."
-The Secret Life of Prince Charming
"Put God first and you'll never be last."
"She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls."
-Proverbs 31:10
Well the past few weeks when we would get together, it was always arranged around his schedule, then he'd "get tired" and end our hanging out randomly, and a night that irritated me the most, until tonight, Jacob and I were hanging out at his place, not very late mind you, watching a movie, when he just fell asleep on my shoulder. Am I really that boring of a person? To bore him to sleep? Wow.
Then, as I've mentioned before, he was always texting or calling and would leave in the middle of a conversation that we were having or during a movie and walk out into another room and talk to her for long periods of time. I find that to be incredibly rude and impolite. It really bothered me.
Now tonight we had made plans to hang out at 6:00 after he got off work. We made these plans at the beginning of this week and even pinky promised it (we made pinky promises all the time which he continually broke like when he promised he would play me a song for my birthday and I got all excited about it, and he let me down). Since we had plans, I didn't make any plans. Jacob and I's plans were to visit this abandoned mental hospital since Halloween is coming up and then watch a movie.
Well I had a great time with Chrish (my brother) this afternoon. I picked him up from drivers ed, took him to lunch, and then dropped him off at a friend's, and then I came home and got ready so I could look somewhat pretty.
Well it gets close to 6 when Jacob texts me: "I might have to work a double today."
I asked why to which he responded: "Because my manager is on vacation but it will be money at least. How is your day?"
Here's the rest of our text conversation...
Charley (me): "My day is good. So do you want to hang out another day?"
Jacob: "No we should still tonight I just don't know when I'm gonna be off is that okay?"
C: "Yeah that should work out haha, but I bet you will be extremely tired." (I was being sarcastic and referring to the excuses he uses to get rid of me).
J: "No I'm still doing something tonight I promise :) I get off at 8 so that's not that bad."
C: (I was upset so I tried to convey it in being short with him) "No it isn't. That's good..."
Well I wasn't going to waste time waiting for him so Rian, Hannah, and I made plans to go see the movie "Crazy Stupid Love" at 7. Hannah and I met up and went. Rian bailed on us. Well things with Hannah were awkward since we never talk or hang out anymore. The movie started and at 7:24, I get this text from Jacob: "Finally off!"
C: "Really? How did that happen so fast? What are you going to do with your friend Jamal tonight?"
(He just "barely" remembered last night that it was one of his best friend's birthday today and said he had to do something with him).
J: "I'm not sure. Would you still want to hang out with us?"
C: "I don't want to interrupt your boys time. Do you want to hang out afterwards? I mean I do want to hang out, but you can do your thing first if you want."
J: "Well I want to see you tonight for at least a little bit. When can you hang out?"
C: "What time are you hanging out with them?"
J: "I don't know I haven't heard really."
C: "Oh are you going to hang out at your place or is he having a party?"
J: "I'm not sure where haha."
C: "Well when you find out let me know and then we can figure out a time to hang out."
J: "Ok are you busy tomorrow at all?"
C: "Um kinda. Why? Do you not want to hang out tonight?"
J: "No I do, just wondering if you would wanna hang tomorrow too :)!"
C: "Oh okay. I can pry make time for you tomorrow :) Where's Jim? Does he know what time Jamal is having his party?"
J: "Jim's out of town for the weekend. Would you want to hang out for a bit before Jamal figures his stuff out?"
C: "Yeah what time?"
J: "9?"
C: "That works. Do you want to come to my place or yours? Do you have a preference?"
J: "How about yours this time?"
C: "Okay great. I am just leaving so I will text you when I get home."
This was at 8:50. I was really trying to drag out the conversation with Jake by avoiding his questions and asking my own because I really didn't want to leave Hannah alone... but I really wanted to see Jacob. Basically I was being a complete idiot.
Obviously you know what I did...
I left Hannah.
Honestly, other than the fact that Ryan Gosling is extremely attractive, I wasn't a fan of the movie. I couldn't get into it. There was only like a half an hour left. I told Hannah I'll be right back and left the theater. I really felt terrible. I mean I guess maybe it taught her how Rian and I have felt recently with Hannah avoiding us and never writing/calling us back and ignoring us, but I didn't mean to be revengeful. I would never do that to anyone--especially friends. What Hannah did to me hurt. I'd never want her to feel that way.
I immediately texted her explaining things. I was nice and apologetic. I told her I had the worst chest pains and needed to go home and take something for it and that I would've explained this in person except A) The theater was too loud and B) I didn't want her to have to miss the movie. These are all truths. The chest pain thing is true. I still have pain all the time. I just left out the part where Jacob was the main reason behind all of it.
I really hope I didn't upset her. She probably is mad and will never speak to me again or do anything with me. That's the worst part. I was dumb and put Jacob before Hannah when he'd never do that for me, just drop everything to see me.
Look at what infatuation does to you. It impairs your judgment. It' snot all it's talked up to be. In the end, infatuation just hurts everyone. I truly hope Hannah forgives me.
J: "Alright sounds good."
C: "I just got home. You can come over :)"
Twenty minutes later...
No response.
I was really starting to get upset.
Twenty more minutes later of pointless, wasted, waiting.
Suddenly my phone rings: it's Jacob.
He tells me this odd story about how he was out running errends (since when do you go run errends twenty/ten minutes before you are about to hang out with someone?) and his work called and said they needed help with cleaning and closing (Mind you it was nearly ten when he called, and the store closes at nine, and Jacob always talks baout how easy closing is and it only takes 15 mins max). I knew/had a strong suspicion he was lying. He said he was almost done and would call me when he was headeing over.
Half an hour later...
Jacob has the nerve to call me again and say it was late and a long night and he was really sorry about everything that came up, but he thought we should just hang out tomorrow. I was pissed. I could hear people being loud and music in the background. You could tell in his voice he was lying. You could tell in my tone I was mad. He asked if everything was okay? I coolly responded yep. He then asks if I was mad? HELLO! Obviously! Then I said bye and right before I hung up, he says call me tomorrow and let me know when you want to get together.
I couldn't believe it.
Oh and another thing: Jacob NEVER calls me. Ever. He never had before tonight. I am not stupid. He would always step out of the room saying he had to make a call so I wouldn't catch on, and then he'd call her outside. He totally had to be some other pathetic girl who he was trying to hide from me and vice versa. The phone call thing proved that the feelings I've had from the start about him possibly being a liar were the truth. Feelings are there for a reason--good or bad. Listen to them.
I don't know if I am more angry at myself for believing Jacob was amazing and not like the rest of mad at Jacob himself for fooling me for a brief time. Too bad I'm not like the other girls. I'm intelligent. I notice these things and add them up till the pieces come together and reveal the true picture, the real Jacob. I don't like the real Jacob at all. He's a stranger. The Jacob I knew was a mask, an act, a mirage of what I wanted to see.
I am proud of myself for listening to my heart and telling Jacob I only wanted to be friends. I stayed strong and didn't let myself fall. I protected myself and my heart. I saved my heart for the one who deserves it. Jacob never has or will deserve my heart. I forgive him, but we're done. We could never be close friends like we were before, because he hurt me and broke my trust and promises. You don't do that to someone you care for. You can always find time for the ones you care about.
Jacob and I will be acquaintances and that's it.
The rest of our texts and probably the last ones ever...
C: "So I don't think tomorrow will work. Just letting you know now so you don't go and make the time for me and end up finding out at the last minute that I can't hang out with you and that you have just wasted an afternoon or night when you could have made other plans." --I was referring to what happened to me and being sarcastic, but of course he didn't catch it. Selfish people never do. As long as they are happy who cares about others feelings?
J: "Oh alright. Well when can you hang out again? I'm really sorry about tonight."
C: "I don't know."
J: "Are you mad at me?"
C: "Listen if you want to hang out with me, just tell me. You don't have to keep hanging out with me if I bore you or if you feel like you have to hang out with me out of some obligation. I can take a hint. I notice these things."
J: "I don't know where you're getting that I'm bored of you. I have never gotten bored of you. I'm sorry it didn't work out tonight. I would like to hang out again. Just let me know if you do."
I didn't respond. I went on a drive under the starlit sky and got a Diet Pepsi to relax and clear my head and calm down.
It worked. I'm over caring about people who don't care about me! I mean I am a sweet, loving person so I will always care about Jacob but never like I did before.
Oh Jacob just texted me.
J: "Hey I'm sorry if I upset you. You're an awesome person, I like you and don't want to lose your friendship. If we need to talk about something lets do sometime. I hope your night is good."
C: "Yeah... you too."
I'm done with trying to win Jacob over. "You're an awesome person" isn't good enough for me. Hello, of course he upset me! If he doesn't want to lose my friendship maybe he should've tried harder and been a better friend. Maybe this whole thing was karma for leaving Hannah. Well if I want to be forgiven by Hannah, I have to forgive Jacob. I do forgive him and am letting it go. I have nothing to talk to him about.
If he truly does like me and values our friendship, he's going to have to prove it and work hard to get it back. It will take time. If he values our friendship, he will do anything to get it back. But truth be told, we all know this is never going to happen... If he valued the friendship and me then we wouldn't be in this situation. With every action comes consequences. Jacob can't think it's okay to treat someone so carelessly or lie to them. I wish Jacob the best life has to offer. I think the problem is he doesn't have any idea what he wants in life, and I pity him for this. There's almost nothing worse than having no goals or inspiration, than not knowing what you want."
"I am lost my love, and you are the only star that shines in my sky."
-Tyler Knott Gregson
"Before we were we
you were every thought and every dream
of a lonely me."
-TKG
"Hope is alive while we're apart. Only tears from my heart break the chains that hold us down and we shall be forever bound."
-Ben Harper
"I'm not sure why I have so much love in my heart. Why not I suppose? Why doesn't everyone? If people focused on loving a bit more, maybe the allocation of our energies would be a lot more productive and peaceful. Where do I get the love? I think I make it. I think we have a choice every moment to be, do, think, say, feel whatever we wish... why not choose love instead of all the other junk we waste time with?"
-TKG
"Whenever we kiss
we live under our closed eyes
and vanish from here."
-TKG
"Love isn't about what you can prove, it's about what you don't have to."
-TKG
It's me, so I forgave Jacob and soon we hung out again.
He gave me the following explanation for what happened Saturday: "Ok to clear things up. I was supposed to get off at 8 but they let me go just after seven because I was pushing overtime and business was slowing down. I had to run a few errends, like drop a game off at my friend's house. That's why I said nine would work. Well my work called me again and said they got really busy and asked me to come in and help close. On Friday & Saturday we close at 10 so that's why I didn't get back to you until then. The people you heard in the background was the radio from my work. I can see where you're coming from. I'm sorry it was confusing and maybe a couple of things were taken the wrong way by both of us. I care too much about our friendship to lie to you like that. Things just didn't work out last night. It sucked and I'm sorry."
I didn't know what to believe. Everyone I talked to who knew Jacob, even McHale, said he was honest, sweet, and would never hurt me or lie. Then why did my heart feel otherwise? The truth was I would never know the truth. I just had to trust and take his word. I valued our friendship and did care about him. When it comes to me I'm not the type of girl to let people walk out of my life and pretend they don't matter anymore. I may not like that person anymore or talk to him or her, but I still care. I'm always going to think back to my life and say I wonder what happened to so and so. I hope they're alright. I will actually mean it. That is the type of person I am. Once you're in my heart, you're there forever.
Maybe I was just a little hurt with facing and accepting the facts that all we were and ever would be was friends--no more hand holding, cuddling or kisses. It felt like that brief fling was just a dream. I knew Jacob and I could and would never fall in love. I just missed the butterflies and feeling of being close to someone. That connection. It was for the better. Jacob wasn't the one for me, and I wasn't the one for him. We both knew it. I think he was protecting me. I don't know. It was official: just friends. I liked having a guy friend who listened, cared, and gave me a male perspective on things. He really was fun to be around. It's just different to have a guy friend who just wants to be a friend. That had never really happened to me unless you counted my friends Mat, Justin, and Cameron, but I didn't. I'd rather be Jacob's friend than nothing.
I think everyone who comes into our lives are there for a reason, even if we don't see or understand it at the time.
That night Jake and I watched some movies, first a scary one and then this hilarious documentary. We laughed soooo hard. He gave me a ride to my place afterwards because it was cold outside. I thought that was very kind of him.
More quotes...
"Never forget, no matter how overwhelming life's challenges and problems seem to be, that one person can make a difference in the world. In fact, it's because of one person that all the changes in the world come about. So be that person."
-Buckminister Fuller
"For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of stars makes me dream."
-Vincent Van Gogh
"The moment we begin to seek love, love begins to seek us. And to save us."
-Paulo Coelho
"Fate loves the fearless."
During this time I wrote the following in my journal...
"Sometimes I wonder what the person I will spend the rest of my life with, my soulmate, is doing at that very moment. What are they like, where do they live, when will I meet them, how old are they, who do they hang out with, what do they look like, are they happy?
And in those moments, I can understand the magnitude of fate."
Towards the end of the month, Jacob really wanted to hang out, but Brie and Ty wanted to as well. They come before him. Things were awkward with Jacob and me. I didn't get why he still wanted to hang out. He had become so closed off and quiet. He wouldn't open up around me. I didn't know why. It was like we were moving in reverse. I wanted to be going forward. I wasn't meaning dating or romance, I just meant in general with our friendship. I liked Jake. He was nice and all but confusing.
A few days later, we did hang out. He came over to my parents' home and we watched a movie in the theater room. The next day, he came to my place and we just watched another movie. That was the last time I saw him. We haven't hung out or texted much since. Sometimes he will text me hi and see how I am doing but that's it. We just faded away, drifted apart. It's unfortunate, but sometimes people are only supposed to be in your life a brief time and you can't control it, you just have to enjoy the time you do have with them. I hope Jacob has a wonderful life.
"Maybe I don't know how to be happy. For a long time, I've been at baseline. Just alive, breathing, heart beating. "Happy" just seemed really far away. And that was the best I could do. Maybe I don't know how to be happy. But I wanna learn. I wanna be happy. And you so often make me happy. So I know I said no, but if you are still willing to fight for me, then I am willing to be fought for. Except it wouldn't be much of a fight. You'd win."
"The past can be escaped only by embracing something better."
-Nicholas Sparks, "The Best of Me"
"Maybe I just want to believe in love, even if it doesn't all the way believe in me."
-The Secret Life of Prince Charming
"Put God first and you'll never be last."
"She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls."
-Proverbs 31:10
