Ryan
June 2010
Okay so this one was my decision to end the relationship. He was incredibly sweet and everything, but when there's no chemistry, there's no chemistry. You can't force it. I knew he wasn't the one, and I wasn't going to let him think he was. But here's the story.
Ryan (name changed) was also in my institute class. He was 23 and in my ward at church. We hung out and had a really great time just talking.
Here is an entry from my journal during the time period:
"I believe the best way to describe my life right now is like a dream. But that's not necessarily a good thing. In fact, it can sometimes be downright confusing, scary, sad, and stressful. And I'm talking the dreams you have at night when you are asleep. The ones you can't control and make no sense. And don't get me wrong, some of our dreams at night can be sweet and amazing, but most of them we either don't remember or make us want to never fall asleep again because some dreams turn out to be nightmares."
So Ryan and I started hanging out more. And when I say hanging out, I mean we talk and are just friends. He was very nice and fun. He was Gavin's friend, but I knew him before that because he was in Sam and I's ward. Oh my, institute was turning into my ex boyfriend/flings club! First Emery was there. And then Gavin. Today I walked in and Keith was there! Keith was the boy I had a crush on at Jr. Civitan camp. Crazy! I'm done dating boys in that class. I'm done dating in general.
Journal Entry--Friday June 18, 2010
"Well I am disappointed in myself. This is the longest I've gone without writing in a journal in years. I need to get back into the habit of writing everyday or at least every other day. I blame summer school specifically medical terminology and physics. I have so much to say, yet so little time, and I'm way tired.
I guess I should mention I've been in a relationship with Ryan since Monday. Ryan is so nice. He served a mission in Mexico. I met him about two years ago in church. He is way mature and likes me not just for my looks. That makes me happy. He is extremely sweet.
McHale, Jordan, Tyson, and Brie all approve. That is crucial. Tonight we all hung out, and they met him for the first time. We all went swinging at a park and that was fun. Brie questioned Ryan, as I am glad she did because she has to like and approve who I am dating. They seemed to get along well. She likes him.
Then we went to the Rec Center. Tod (our friend) met us there and we listened to Owl City and did this crazy fun sport called slacklining. It's hard to explain, but it's like walking a tight rope, but not so high in the air. You have to try and walk across and keep your balance. It was funny and difficult, but we all had fun. Tod is amazing at it.
We all met up afterwards at Brie and Ty's apartment after and they were kind enough to share their amazing $500 wedding cake with all of us. It was like a taste of heaven. Seriously. That was the best cake ever. We just talked and hung out. Ty burned me the Dear John soundtrack.
It was getting late so we all needed to go home and sleep. Ryan walked me to my car and gave me a sweet goodnight kiss. He really is a great guy, but I am having mixed feelings. He is so sweet, religious, and goal driven and all of these other wonderful qualities. But I'm still unsure and very very uncertain.
I am not physically attracted to him. I'm not trying to be rude or shallow, but honest. He isn't bad looking. He's attractive, but I'm not attracted to him. I don't think he is attractive in my eyes. It's sad and terrible to say, but I'm just telling the truth. Looks aren't everything. But I honestly think you have to be romantically and physically attracted to a person somewhat or it won't work. I discussed this with Brie and Ty and they said pray about it, give him a chance, and give it a month. They said give Ryan a month and our relationship at least one month because a lot can change in a month. So I'm going to do that and pray and I know the Lord will let me know what to do if I continue to live a good life."
"We cannot gauge the worth of another soul anymore than we can measure the span of the universe. Every person we meet is a VIP to our Heavenly Father. Once we understand that, we can begin to understand how we should treat our fellowmen. True love requires action. We can speak of love all day long--we can write notes or poems that proclaim it, sing songs that praise it, and preach sermons that encourage it--but until we manifest that love in action, our words are nothing but 'sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal'.
Love is what inspired our Heavenly Father to create our spirits; it is what led our Savior to the Garden of Gethsemane to make Himself a ransom for our sins. Love is the grand motive of the plan of salvation. It is the source of happiness, the ever renewing spring of healing, the precious fountain of hope." -President Dieter F. Uchtdorf
"Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it. Because nobody else will." -Tyler Remember Me
Journal Entry--Wednesday June 23, 2010
"Finally I'm putting a quote in here that is kinda of my own. The genius behind the general idea was something Meredith Grey said in the wonderfully amazing Grey's Anatomy, but I changed it and added to it so here it it:
We spend a lot of time focused on the future, planning it, working toward it. But at some point you start to realize your life is happening now. Right now. This is it. It's here. Blink and you'll miss it. So say what you want and mean it. Live each moment to the fullest. Today! Because tomorrow is never guaranteed.
Yesterday I did something hard. I broke up with Ryan. I felt terrible about it. I still feel sad for him, because I know what it's like to be dumped by someone you really like. I hurt him because he liked me so much. But the feelings weren't mutual. He is a sweetheart and one of the most nice, religious, and ambitious boys I've ever met. He is wonderful. But he is just a friend. I am not attracted to him whatsoever beyond that. I felt no romantic or love-like feelings towards him, just friendship. I prayed and just know it wasn't meant to be. And I didn't want to drag it out because it would hurt him worse making him believe it might work out when it wouldn't.
So I ended it. I know he's way broken up about it, but in time, he'll be fine. I feel it's better to end things sooner rather than later. I didn't want him to become more attached and lead him on in anyway. He took it badly, but seems to be doing better. We are still friends and will remain best associates (inside joke)."
"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will." -Mahatma Gandhi
"It's these cards and the movies and the pop songs, they're to blame for all the lies and the heartache, everything." -(500) Days of Summer
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."
To sum up the Ryan story and lesson to be learned:
"Human chemistry, only one thing matters, either you've got it or you dont."
-Meredith Grey
