Me lying on the bathroom feeling like Izzie from Grey's. I feel the same way as she did: "I feel like I'm moving in slow motion and everything around me is moving so fast... and I just want to go back to when things were normal."
Me crying tonight over many things: loneliness, regrets, wishing I was a kid again, getting my hopes too high, opening my heart to have in broken, and my biggest fear--that I will become too comfortable with the idea of being lonely for the rest of my life.
I guess it's just me and my blind optimism to blame.
Charley's Almost Love Stories...
Warning: This is going to be a long ranting post. I am having a not so great day. So I'm sorry if this won't be so inspirational, it's real though. There's this boy I really like (It's been discussed in a previous post about secrets), but as always in life, it's complicated. He likes this other girl and they had this like two year relationship. But he told me it was over basically and that he was having lunch with her to end it. Yeah... so he calls me later than night and says he still has feelings for her, but likes me because I'm cute and we have such a strong connection and I'm amazing (his words). I said flat out that I refused to be an option. I want to be someone's priority if we're going to date. He agreed and was fine with that. But yet he still really likes her. So I told him to just date her and see where it goes, and I will date other people too and if things don't work out between them and I'm still single, we can date. He doesn't seem too cool with that idea.
So I sent him this e-mail and went all Meredith Grey on him. BAD IDEA. I did the Pick Me, Choose Me, Like (and maybe eventually love) Me. thing. Yeah I'm pretty positive that just freaked him out because he doesn't seem to want to talk to me anymore. And it breaks my heart because he's everything I've been looking for and the chemistry and connection between us is unexplainable yet undeniable. We'll see what happens there... I hope things work out, and if they don't I just have to have faith that I will find the right guy if I'm supposed to.
I'm an amazing girlfriend. I give whoever I'm dating 100%. I would do anything for them and am selfless. I'm going to explain a history of the past year of relationships and how they've gone for me (horribly). I write in journals nearly everyday so there will be lots of details because I wrote them down. I will put the name in a large font and explain the situation of each boy I've dated in the past year. I'm going to start with Emery. This entry will focus on just him and our story that started in April. I will continue in the next few days with the other guys.
EMERY
April 2010
I got over this two and a half year relationship and started this fling with a boy named Emery (name changed). We clicked and got along great. He was nice and funny. But then he started lying to me. He would be inconsistent in stories. I got really worked up about it because the first night we really hung out, as I walked Emery to his car, we stood under a streetlamp by his car. When I looked into his eyes and felt his hug, saw his sweet smile some indescribable feeling shot through me. I got butterflies. I was so happy. I wondered if he felt the same way. He was so hard to read. I didn't even understand why I cared so much about being closer than friends with him. We could never be more than friends. I didn't want to have a summer romance with him because he was leaving on a mission and it would make things worse because the summer romance would end, and Emery would move on. I didn't want to be played.
I'm just always so afraid of rejection, of not being good enough, of getting a broken heart.
Well Emery had to get his wisdom teeth out and I took him a special Jamba Juice called a Pink Star (I highly recommend them). I met his mom and siblings and they were the sweetest. We played games together and had a great time. I wasn't shy around them and could be myself. Emery had always been a little shy, but that day he started coming out of his shell. He was such a sweetheart. I thought I was falling for him. He felt the same way. He said he thought I was beautiful and a good LDS girl. We both get butterflies around each other. I was falling for him, but I couldn't. I didn't want to because as I said, it wouldn't work out. I didn't want to get hurt. Haha I remember in one of my college classes I wrote every word of the lecture down, but I didn't remember anything because I couldn't concentrate. All I could think about was Emery.
The next day, Emery and I were supposed to hang out, but he said he still felt bad because of his wisdom teeth thing. This is the text he sent me when I asked what he was going to do instead:
Be thinkin of a really awesome girl! But she hates me now!! :( But I wanna be with her all day tomorrow and hold her hand tomorrow and kiss her to make up for today! But she hates me!! :(
Of course that wasn't true. I didn't hate him. I had a better time that night with my girls instead. I went to Ross Park with Jordan (my sister), McHale (my sister), and Lacey (Jordan's friend). There was no one there. It was awesome haha. Swinging is the closest thing to flying (besides skydiving). It was freezing cold but worth it. After it got too cold, Hannah and Christian (my brother) joined us and we went for milkshakes. Then we came home and Hannah, McHale, and I played cards--BS (which I won!) and Rummy. Fun times.
Anyways, the next night Emery and I met at a park at 10:00 at night. It was dark, but there were street lights on. We were the only ones there. We went swinging. It was way fun just swinging and talking. My heart sped up around him. I was falling for him despite my intentions.
We decided to walk around because a creepy/suspicious car pulled up. As we walked, Emery put his arm around me! Then we started holding hands. It was all so perfect. We walked under a street light and Emery stopped, pulled me close to him, and kissed me. It was so sweet, like a scene from a movie.
Then we continued walking until he found a good spot to sit on the grass. We both lied down in the grass and cuddled and talked. I've never felt the feelings I felt with him that night, so amazing words couldn't describe it. We weren't shy around each other. He made me smile non stop. He kept calling me beautiful and saying cute things. What I loved most was when he would randomly start kissing me on the cheek and head. He said the night was perfect too.
Well I started to get doubts about Emery. I'm the queen of second guessing everything. So my dear friend (and past ex) Dakota gave me some relationship advice. It's rare to get advice from guys, especially good advice, and even more so when it's your ex.
Me: "So there's this amazing boy (Emery)... but it would never work, wishful thinking."
Dakota: "Mental is half of it! If you don't think you can, then ya won't ya know? Gotta go and give it your best shot! What's the worst that can happen? Him telling you no, right? No harm in words haha... you got it!"
Me: "Haha... true. Thanks Dakota :)"
Dakota: "Haha you're welcome Charley! :)"
Meanwhile, Emery would send me cute text messages such as:
I love when we kiss cuz it's like a bolt of lighting going through me. I get all warm and I am also falling for you.
Ok I wanna kiss you! Then do it again and again! :):)
I loved holding your hand, kissing you hands, holding your hand!!! :)
I was falling for him
.
.
Then it all changed on April 13, 2010. This next part is word for word from journal entries.
"I no longer like the number 13. I don't like today. I don't like Emery, and I don't like boys in general. I am so clueless and dumb. So Emery and I hang out and stuff at his house. We watched The Blind Side and he kept hugging me, kissing me, holding my hand. I told him I don't believe in being friends with benefits, and I'm not that kind of girl so if he wanted to kiss and be more than friends, we needed to be dating. He clearly seemed uncomfortable with the suggestion. I kept talking about it and finally he agreed (reluctantly) to be dating. I thought we had a good morning/afternoon, but he was being like pretty much every other stupid boy. All he wanted was a pretty nice girl to NCMO (Non Commitment Make Out) with, and the worst part is, I fell for it and thought he actually liked me for me.
I'm so done with boys and love. It's a waste of time. SLFL... Single Lady For Life because then I won't keep getting hurt. Seriously done. I'm going to just focus on school and getting my degree in Radiology and accomplishing my goals and no one will stand in my way especially not a stupid boy. I'm going to support myself. I don't need a man. I can shine brighter on my own.
And you won't see me cry over this. Not worth the tears. I truly don't care. Actually, I did learn a good lesson--to be even more guarded and hard to get. I won't let anyone else use me. A kiss means something to me. I'm not kissing anyone else unless it's one of the 1% of the good, amazing guys out there, but it's not going to happen so I'm not holding my breath."
So Emery texted me the next night, and I explained I was hurt and felt like he used me. He said he was sorry and he liked me a lot. He said he didn't want to be in a serious relationship because he's leaving on a mission in a few months. I said I understood because I did. He should be concentrating and preparing for his mission not being caught up with me. Then he said he just wanted to have fun before he goes. I told him I don't want to be just another girl on his list of girls to have fun with. He got mad because he said I'm calling him a player. I wasn't meaning to, I'm just guarded.
"Gotta love the irony of my life... I meet this amazing boy who I can't have a relationship with who is leaving in two months for two years and only wants to have fun. I don't know whether to laugh hysterically or cry uncontrollably. In the words of Nicholas Sparks "Summer romances end for all kinds of reasons. But when all is said and done, they have one thing in common: They are shooting stars a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, a fleeting glimpse of eternity. And in a flash, they're gone" Okay so I know it's technically not summer and we only really hung out a few times in the last two weeks, but what we had was a romance, not love and it was over in an instant so I was reminded of that quote. I know everything happens for a reason and that everyone in your life is there for a reason. I'm not sure Emery's purpose, but I'm sure I will someday. Also maybe I'm not meant for love or getting married in this life."
Sooooo just when I thought things couldn't get worse, they did through a Facebook status conversation. (Names of people who aren't close friends or family will be changed to protect identities)
Me: "So done with love, because love has given up on me :("
Christian (my brother): "Is that quote by Chuck Norris?"
Aubrey (best friend): "I think that you should just go for older guys, you keep going for guys younger than you. Give them time to mature a bit."
Derek: "As sad as it is I agree with you. F--- love."
Cal: "So this last little thing didn't last long I take it, eh?"
Sam (my ex and boyfriend before Emery): "You gave up on love first."
Me: "No I didn't. Christian-- No it's not, Love doesn't give up on Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris gives up on love. Aubrey-- Amen sister. Guys are like two years in maturity behind girls. So I definitely need to find an older guy. Derek--Yeah it is true and it sucks. Cal--Yeah not long at all.
Cal: "Well I love ya Char, in the friend way! I almost want to define love for one of the past posters (aka Sam) but I will keep it to myself."
Richard: "Doing well using the help seeker power base. My advice is to use it to your social network to find someone, lay it kinda heavy too so they have an idea that's what you're drawing from, and maybe a connection can be made. If you aren't looking for that "kind" or love, I may have misread."
Madison: "I know what you mean :( but hey, look on the bright side... it can only go up from here :) It gets better."
Xavier: "That's funny. I didn't know being a whore and cheating on your boyfriend of however long=love giving up on you."
I DID NOT CHEAT on Sam. He was spreading those rumors. And later on Xavier apologized for that comment. I am a good girl.
"I know I should never ever complain about life and trials because I'm so blessed. Each second a gift, but people can be so cruel. I guess Sam told Xavier (and probably many others who will spread it around and around) that I'm a whore and cheated on him which is all false. I'm a good girl. I didn't start hanging out with Emery until after I broke up with Sam, and Emery and I never have or will date.
Oh and top things off, Emery calls me today, and I get all excited and my heart lights up cause normally he doesn't like talking on the phone. So I answer and what does he want? He wants to know the name of the Jamba Juice I brought him when he got his wisdom teeth out last week. I also thought I heard a girl in the background. I told him and that was the end of our conversation. He hasn't talked to or texted me since. Go figure.
I know people say sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. I think they were lying and I disagree. Wounds, bruises, and scratches heal, but words haunt you forever. I cried many times today even though I tried will all of me to fight back tears.
I just have to stay strong and rely on the Lord and know no matter how hard things get, I can overcome and endure to the end. He won't put me through anything I can't handle and is always with me and loves me more than anyone.
I think maybe I found Emery's purpose:
"You're going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it's always their actions you should judge them by. It's actions, not words, that matter." -Nicholas Sparks
A few weeks later, Emery invited me up to his place to play games with his family. I went despite my confusions. Hannah and McHale were mad at me about it.
So Emery met me outside his house. He ran over and hugged me and kissed my head. We played some card games and Apples to Apples with his sister Anna and her friend Trenton. They were so nice. Emery held me in his arms as he walked me to my car under a starlit sky. He would hold me from behind and hug me and I got the best feeling. I loved it. Emery gave me a sweet goodnight kiss and said he liked me as more than a friend. So maybe there's hope, maybe not, but we will see in eternity. I know everything will happen as it should if I'm doing what's right. When the time is right I will find out Emery's purpose. Either way, he is a good friend, great sibling (to his siblings), and will make an amazing missionary.
The next day, I hung out with Emery after work. He picked me up at my house and we went and ran errends and picked up his brother and sister. We all had a really good time penny surfing. I love his siblings. They were way fun and reminded me of mine. We had a lot of fun.
We didn't get to hang out long, but Emery took me to his garage and kissed me and said he was falling in love with me. Yet he wouldn't date me?! It made absolutely no sense. It was a rather quiet drive to my house. I brought up the dating thing again and he absentmindedly answered "I don't know" and was clearly uncomfortable with the suggestion. The whole Emery thing confused me in nearly every way, so I wasn't sure what was going on in his head, and he hadn't been texting me like all that night. I'm thinking I'm done with him because obviously he can't be just my friend cause I don't want a friend with benefits, but he wouldn't date me so yeah. Whatev. He confused me more than anyone I'd met in a while. I think he was potentially a player so I didn't think we'd ever hang out again. I was done with boys. I want a man.
Then things changed.
I felt like a terrible person (there is me second guessing again!) basically. All that time I was afraid Emery would prejudge me because my family and the fact that we aren't as wealthy, etc. I was the one who judged him, but it was because I was scared of getting hurt.
All of that time I thought Emery was using me. So not the case. He was just way busy and focusing on his mission and he should be! I apologized profusely for questioning his intentions and thinking he was playing me, and I was just another girl.
He really did like me and was just a little shy like me. I really liked him too. I should've followed my heart and not questioned it. I've learned my lesson. I just hoped this wouldn't ruin things between us.
I had an awesome night with Emery, his family, and Trenton (Anna's boyfriend). They were all nice (as I've stated many times). I loved the spirit I felt so strongly in their house and all around them. I loved how they all got along and genuinely loved one another.
His mom was so sweet. She made us milkshakes and popcorn. Emery, Trenton, Anna, Seth (Emery's little brother), and I watched Avatar. Trenton and I were the only ones who hadn't seen it. Emery and I cuddled and held hands. The movie was amazing, but we didn't finish because it was so late and it's way long, but we decided we were going to finish it another time. I liked Emery a lot!
Journal Entry--April 28,2010
"Emery. To make a long and complicated story short, he used me. He only wanted to kiss me, and he tried to do a lot more than that, but thankfully I wouldn't let him. I will always hold strong to my ideals and morals. Everything he said about me being his best friend and him falling in love with me were complete lies. And he was lying last week when I confronted him about being a player. I actually felt bad for assuming it because he insisted it wasn't true, and I took his word for it, despite my better judgment because he's going on a mission.
Lesson learned: Trust your feelings and instincts and just because some boy claims to be good LDS RM or going on a mission, doesn't mean they are a good person. Oh and a bit of humor, don't date guys who are shorter than me, it's awkward. And don't date younger guys=they are immature.
Overall lesson= Follow the spirit and pray. Also, I've been able to stand up for myself and not let guys walk all over me and use me. I deserve to be happy and treated like a princess and won't settle for less. For the first time, I feel so free and amazingly happy."
