It's Almost A Love Story [ies] Part 3

Ryan

June 2010

Okay so this one was my decision to end the relationship. He was incredibly sweet and everything, but when there's no chemistry, there's no chemistry. You can't force it. I knew he wasn't the one, and I wasn't going to let him think he was. But here's the story.

Ryan (name changed) was also in my institute class. He was 23 and in my ward at church. We hung out and had a really great time just talking.

Here is an entry from my journal during the time period:

"I believe the best way to describe my life right now is like a dream. But that's not necessarily a good thing. In fact, it can sometimes be downright confusing, scary, sad, and stressful. And I'm talking the dreams you have at night when you are asleep. The ones you can't control and make no sense. And don't get me wrong, some of our dreams at night can be sweet and amazing, but most of them we either don't remember or make us want to never fall asleep again because some dreams turn out to be nightmares."

So Ryan and I started hanging out more. And when I say hanging out, I mean we talk and are just friends. He was very nice and fun. He was Gavin's friend, but I knew him before that because he was in Sam and I's ward. Oh my, institute was turning into my ex boyfriend/flings club! First Emery was there. And then Gavin. Today I walked in and Keith was there! Keith was the boy I had a crush on at Jr. Civitan camp. Crazy! I'm done dating boys in that class. I'm done dating in general.

Journal Entry--Friday June 18, 2010

"Well I am disappointed in myself. This is the longest I've gone without writing in a journal in years. I need to get back into the habit of writing everyday or at least every other day. I blame summer school specifically medical terminology and physics. I have so much to say, yet so little time, and I'm way tired.

I guess I should mention I've been in a relationship with Ryan since Monday. Ryan is so nice. He served a mission in Mexico. I met him about two years ago in church. He is way mature and likes me not just for my looks. That makes me happy. He is extremely sweet.

McHale, Jordan, Tyson, and Brie all approve. That is crucial. Tonight we all hung out, and they met him for the first time. We all went swinging at a park and that was fun. Brie questioned Ryan, as I am glad she did because she has to like and approve who I am dating. They seemed to get along well. She likes him.

Then we went to the Rec Center. Tod (our friend) met us there and we listened to Owl City and did this crazy fun sport called slacklining. It's hard to explain, but it's like walking a tight rope, but not so high in the air. You have to try and walk across and keep your balance. It was funny and difficult, but we all had fun. Tod is amazing at it.

We all met up afterwards at Brie and Ty's apartment after and they were kind enough to share their amazing $500 wedding cake with all of us. It was like a taste of heaven. Seriously. That was the best cake ever. We just talked and hung out. Ty burned me the Dear John soundtrack.

It was getting late so we all needed to go home and sleep. Ryan walked me to my car and gave me a sweet goodnight kiss. He really is a great guy, but I am having mixed feelings. He is so sweet, religious, and goal driven and all of these other wonderful qualities. But I'm still unsure and very very uncertain.

I am not physically attracted to him. I'm not trying to be rude or shallow, but honest. He isn't bad looking. He's attractive, but I'm not attracted to him. I don't think he is attractive in my eyes. It's sad and terrible to say, but I'm just telling the truth. Looks aren't everything. But I honestly think you have to be romantically and physically attracted to a person somewhat or it won't work. I discussed this with Brie and Ty and they said pray about it, give him a chance, and give it a month. They said give Ryan a month and our relationship at least one month because a lot can change in a month. So I'm going to do that and pray and I know the Lord will let me know what to do if I continue to live a good life."

"We cannot gauge the worth of another soul anymore than we can measure the span of the universe. Every person we meet is a VIP to our Heavenly Father. Once we understand that, we can begin to understand how we should treat our fellowmen. True love requires action. We can speak of love all day long--we can write notes or poems that proclaim it, sing songs that praise it, and preach sermons that encourage it--but until we manifest that love in action, our words are nothing but 'sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal'.

Love is what inspired our Heavenly Father to create our spirits; it is what led our Savior to the Garden of Gethsemane to make Himself a ransom for our sins. Love is the grand motive of the plan of salvation. It is the source of happiness, the ever renewing spring of healing, the precious fountain of hope." -President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

"Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it. Because nobody else will." -Tyler Remember Me

Journal Entry--Wednesday June 23, 2010

"Finally I'm putting a quote in here that is kinda of my own. The genius behind the general idea was something Meredith Grey said in the wonderfully amazing Grey's Anatomy, but I changed it and added to it so here it it:

We spend a lot of time focused on the future, planning it, working toward it. But at some point you start to realize your life is happening now. Right now. This is it. It's here. Blink and you'll miss it. So say what you want and mean it. Live each moment to the fullest. Today! Because tomorrow is never guaranteed.

Yesterday I did something hard. I broke up with Ryan. I felt terrible about it. I still feel sad for him, because I know what it's like to be dumped by someone you really like. I hurt him because he liked me so much. But the feelings weren't mutual. He is a sweetheart and one of the most nice, religious, and ambitious boys I've ever met. He is wonderful. But he is just a friend. I am not attracted to him whatsoever beyond that. I felt no romantic or love-like feelings towards him, just friendship. I prayed and just know it wasn't meant to be. And I didn't want to drag it out because it would hurt him worse making him believe it might work out when it wouldn't.

So I ended it. I know he's way broken up about it, but in time, he'll be fine. I feel it's better to end things sooner rather than later. I didn't want him to become more attached and lead him on in anyway. He took it badly, but seems to be doing better. We are still friends and will remain best associates (inside joke)."

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will." -Mahatma Gandhi

"It's these cards and the movies and the pop songs, they're to blame for all the lies and the heartache, everything." -(500) Days of Summer

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

To sum up the Ryan story and lesson to be learned:

"Human chemistry, only one thing matters, either you've got it or you dont."

-Meredith Grey

It's Almost A Love Story [ies] Part 2

Gavin

May 2010

So I started talking to this boy named Gavin (name changed) who was a 22 year old RM. We talked via Facebook. He served a mission in Hawaii. He was my grandma and grandpa's best friends' son. He was extremely nice and had a great sense of humor. 

We decided to hang out so we had an amazingly fun evening hanging out with my best friends Aubrey and Tyson (her husband, but he was her fiancé at the time). He got along very well with them and vice versa. We played Phase 10 (which he won, it was unusual cause I win like every game... seriously!). Brie (Aubrey) also made brownies and gave us the bowl to lick the batter. Gavin and I got in a chocolate fight. It was a blast! He gave me a chocolate mustache haha. So I got him back and ,after a struggle, got it all over his face! I felt bad because I got it on his clothes too by accident, but he forgave me and we laughed about it. I hoped we would hang out again.

Here is a journal entry from a night a few days after the above incident.

"Tonight was a true fairytale, a dream come true. Tonight was the night I've been waiting for forever. Tonight was the best night of 2010! And all because of one boy: Gavin! I have butterflies. My heart lights up when I see him. Gavin is the cutest, most amazing boy I've ever met in my life. His testimony and dedication to the gospel is amazing. He's gorgeous. He's 22 and taller than me!!! 

Well tonight=perfect. Gavin and I hiked up Red Hill to watch the sunset. We talked and made lots of jokes. It got cold, so Gavin wrapped his arms around me, cuddled, and warmed me up... so sweet. 

After the sun had basically set, we drove to a pizza place and got a pizza. Gavin drove us up to this park on a hill. We sat in the backseat of his car and ate, cuddled, and watched Fantastic Mr. Fox it was good.

We get along so great. Then we kissed. He kissed me and it was hands down the best kiss of my life. He has the softest lips. We connect in a way I've never connected with a boy. My heart was racing faster than ever. I finally got my "Alex Karev" kiss. That first kiss worth waiting for. A kiss so hot, so deep, you don't want to come up for air and can feel it everywhere.

He showed me an album of pictures from his mission in Hawaii. They were incredible and cute! Aww tonight was perfect, a real fairytale, but I can't help wondering if it was too good to be true. If he is just like the rest. I shouldn't assume things, but I refuse to be hurt again, refuse to be used. Why do boys just see me as a pretty face, cute, wonderful girl to kiss? I will never be okay with that. I have so much more self respect. A kiss means something to me."

The next week, Gavin and I went on another date. 

We went to his house and watched my copy of The Lovely Bones. It was fun.

Here were some quotes I wrote in my journal that day.

"Oh sure, I think other guys are cute, but every time I see a cute guy, I remind myself of how cute you are. Of how you love me. Of how much I love you. Of how sweet you are. Of how much you can always brighten my day. And suddenly, that other guy doesn't look all that good anymore."

"Love is like water... you can drink it, swim in it, drown in it... but you can't live without it."

"Contrary to what the cynics say, distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough."

"Me? I'm scared of everything... of what I saw, of what I did, of who I am... but most of all, I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my life the way I feel when I'm with you." -Dirty Dancing

"The better you know someone, the less there is to say, or maybe there's less that needs to be said."

"They say, when you meet the love of your life, time stops, and that's true. What they don't tell you is that when it starts again, it moves extra fast to catch up." -Big Fish.

"A hug can turn your day around, it's an emotional Heimlich. Someone puts their arms around you, and they give you a squeeze and all your fear and anxiety comes shooting out of your mouth, and you can breathe again."- Pushing Daisies

"I gave you my heart and that's all I can give you, and if that's not enough, then I'm not enough." -One Tree Hill

"I'm a hopeless romantic and you're just hopeless." -Bouncing Souls

Now I didn't write much about Gavin and I after all of the above so here is my journal entry that explains the end of Gavin and me.

"Institute is going good! I enjoy it! I am in the class Teachings of the Latter Day Prophets with Brother Laga and Brother Williams. I'm so done with the whole dating thing, thanks to Emery and Gavin. And the worst/most awkward part is they are both in that class! It's like a bad romance/chick flick movie! Ironic or what? And lately, I've been talking to this boy named Ryan who, as you guessed it, is also in the class! But he is in our university 10th ward that Sam and I went to, so I've known him for a while. We are just friends and that's all we will ever be. I say that all the time haha, but I mean it! Two past boyfriends/boys I've dated is two too many! If love is meant to be it will come to me.

So as you can hopefully infer from the previous paragraph, Gavin and I are over. He was just like all the others. All I was to him=a pretty face to kiss and then move on without a care. Ah I'm so tired of being used! But I'm not sad about Gavin. I did the best I could! I gave my all. I just wanted to be friends, but he wanted more. So we dated. He didn't want a relationship (he says because of some bad news involving his family which makes him doubt relationships), but he still wanted to "hang out" aka kiss me.

Negative. I said no way. Kisses may mean nothing to him, Emery, and just about every other guy out there, but a kiss means something to me. I'm not a NCMO! I told Gavin off and didn't hold back. I did cute things like on Monday when I randomly decided to write him a note to cheer him up (because he was having a bad day) to surprise him. Waste of time and paper. He didn't care. I stuck it on his windshield. He threw it away.

He said I'm a pretty girl and it's too bad things turned out like this. He said it wasn't his intentions. I said I was aware of that and he is missing out on a girl who is smart, sweet, and goes out of her way to make people happy. He got mad because he said I wasn't being considerate of his situation. I'm sorry, but we all have trials. That's what life is about. I've had so many hardships, but the key is how you react. You need to hold your head up high, have faith, keep walking, and endure to the end with the knowledge that all is well and everything will be okay in the end.

I don't want a man who sits and does the "poor me", life is so hard, so I'm going to sit and mope thing. Life is amazing. Trials are blessings, faith is everything. I want an eternal companion with unwavering faith who will endure with me to the end. And one who appreciates my notes and me!"      

It's An Almost Love Story [ies]: Pick Me. Choose Me. Love Me.

 Me lying on the bathroom feeling like Izzie from Grey's. I feel the same way as she did: "I feel like I'm moving in slow motion and everything around me is moving so fast... and I just want to go back to when things were normal."

 Me crying tonight over many things: loneliness, regrets, wishing I was a kid again, getting my hopes too high, opening my heart to have in broken, and my biggest fear--that I will become too comfortable with the idea of being lonely for the rest of my life.

 I guess it's just me and my blind optimism to blame.

Charley's Almost Love Stories...

Warning: This is going to be a long ranting post. I am having a not so great day. So I'm sorry if this won't be so inspirational, it's real though. There's this boy I really like (It's been discussed in a previous post about secrets), but as always in life, it's complicated. He likes this other girl and they had this like two year relationship. But he told me it was over basically and that he was having lunch with her to end it. Yeah... so he calls me later than night and says he still has feelings for her, but likes me because I'm cute and we have such a strong connection and I'm amazing (his words). I said flat out that I refused to be an option. I want to be someone's priority if we're going to date. He agreed and was fine with that. But yet he still really likes her. So I told him to just date her and see where it goes, and I will date other people too and if things don't work out between them and I'm still single, we can date. He doesn't seem too cool with that idea. 

So I sent him this e-mail and went all Meredith Grey on him. BAD IDEA. I did the Pick Me, Choose Me, Like (and maybe eventually love) Me. thing. Yeah I'm pretty positive that just freaked him out because he doesn't seem to want to talk to me anymore. And it breaks my heart because he's everything I've been looking for and the chemistry and connection between us is unexplainable yet undeniable. We'll see what happens there... I hope things work out, and if they don't I just have to have faith that I will find the right guy if I'm supposed to.

I'm an amazing girlfriend. I give whoever I'm dating 100%. I would do anything for them and am selfless. I'm going to explain a history of the past year of relationships and how they've gone for me (horribly). I write in journals nearly everyday so there will be lots of details because I wrote them down. I will put the name in a large font and explain the situation of each boy I've dated in the past year. I'm going to start with Emery. This entry will focus on just him and our story that started in April. I will continue in the next few days with the other guys.

EMERY

April 2010

I got over this two and a half year relationship and started this fling with a boy named Emery (name changed). We clicked and got along great. He was nice and funny. But then he started lying to me. He would be inconsistent in stories. I got really worked up about it because the first night we really hung out, as I walked Emery to his car, we stood under a streetlamp by his car. When I looked into his eyes and felt his hug, saw his sweet smile some indescribable feeling shot through me. I got butterflies. I was so happy. I wondered if he felt the same way. He was so hard to read. I didn't even understand why I cared so much about being closer than friends with him. We could never be more than friends. I didn't want to have a summer romance with him because he was leaving on a mission and it would make things worse because the summer romance would end, and Emery would move on. I didn't want to be played.

I'm just always so afraid of rejection, of not being good enough, of getting a broken heart. 

Well Emery had to get his wisdom teeth out and I took him a special Jamba Juice called a Pink Star (I highly recommend them). I met his mom and siblings and they were the sweetest. We played games together and had a great time. I wasn't shy around them and could be myself. Emery had always been a little shy, but that day he started coming out of his shell. He was such a sweetheart. I thought I was falling for him. He felt the same way. He said he thought I was beautiful and a good LDS girl. We both get butterflies around each other. I was falling for him, but I couldn't. I didn't want to because as I said, it wouldn't work out. I didn't want to get hurt. Haha I remember in one of my college classes I wrote every word of the lecture down, but I didn't remember anything because I couldn't concentrate. All I could think about was Emery.

The next day, Emery and I were supposed to hang out, but he said he still felt bad because of his wisdom teeth thing. This is the text he sent me when I asked what he was going to do instead:

Be thinkin of a really awesome girl! But she hates me now!! :( But I wanna be with her all day tomorrow and hold her hand tomorrow and kiss her to make up for today! But she hates me!! :(

Of course that wasn't true. I didn't hate him. I had a better time that night with my girls instead. I went to Ross Park with Jordan (my sister), McHale (my sister), and Lacey (Jordan's friend). There was no one there. It was awesome haha. Swinging is the closest thing to flying (besides skydiving). It was freezing cold but worth it. After it got too cold, Hannah and Christian (my brother) joined us and we went for milkshakes. Then we came home and Hannah, McHale, and I played cards--BS (which I won!) and Rummy. Fun times.

Anyways, the next night Emery and I met at a park at 10:00 at night. It was dark, but there were street lights on. We were the only ones there. We went swinging. It was way fun just swinging and talking. My heart sped up around him. I was falling for him despite my intentions.

We decided to walk around because a creepy/suspicious car pulled up. As we walked, Emery put his arm around me! Then we started holding hands. It was all so perfect. We walked under a street light and Emery stopped, pulled me close to him, and kissed me. It was so sweet, like a scene from a movie.

Then we continued walking until he found a good spot to sit on the grass. We both lied down in the grass and cuddled and talked. I've never felt the feelings I felt with him that night, so amazing words couldn't describe it. We weren't shy around each other. He made me smile non stop. He kept calling me beautiful and saying cute things. What I loved most was when he would randomly start kissing me on the cheek and head. He said the night was perfect too.

Well I started to get doubts about Emery. I'm the queen of second guessing everything. So my dear friend (and past ex) Dakota gave me some relationship advice. It's rare to get advice from guys, especially good advice, and even more so when it's your ex.

Me: "So there's this amazing boy (Emery)... but it would never work, wishful thinking."

Dakota: "Mental is half of it! If you don't think you can, then ya won't ya know? Gotta go and give it your best shot! What's the worst that can happen? Him telling you no, right? No harm in words haha... you got it!"

Me: "Haha... true. Thanks Dakota :)"

Dakota: "Haha you're welcome Charley! :)"

Meanwhile, Emery would send me cute text messages such as:

I love when we kiss cuz it's like a bolt of lighting going through me. I get all warm and I am also falling for you.

Ok I wanna kiss you! Then do it again and again! :):)

I loved holding your hand, kissing you hands, holding your hand!!! :)

I was falling for him
. 

Then it all changed on April 13, 2010. This next part is word for word from journal entries.

"I no longer like the number 13. I don't like today. I don't like Emery, and I don't like boys in general. I am so clueless and dumb. So Emery and I hang out and stuff at his house. We watched The Blind Side and he kept hugging me, kissing me, holding my hand. I told him I don't believe in being friends with benefits, and I'm not that kind of girl so if he wanted to kiss and be more than friends, we needed to be dating. He clearly seemed uncomfortable with the suggestion. I kept talking about it and finally he agreed (reluctantly) to be dating. I thought we had a good morning/afternoon, but he was being like pretty much every other stupid boy. All he wanted was a pretty nice girl to NCMO (Non Commitment Make Out) with, and the worst part is, I fell for it and thought he actually liked me for me.

I'm so done with boys and love. It's a waste of time. SLFL... Single Lady For Life because then I won't keep getting hurt. Seriously done. I'm going to just focus on school and getting my degree in Radiology and accomplishing my goals and no one will stand in my way especially not a stupid boy. I'm going to support myself. I don't need a man. I can shine brighter on my own.

And you won't see me cry over this. Not worth the tears. I truly don't care. Actually, I did learn a good lesson--to be even more guarded and hard to get. I won't let anyone else use me. A kiss means something to me. I'm not kissing anyone else unless it's one of the 1% of the good, amazing guys out there, but it's not going to happen so I'm not holding my breath."

So Emery texted me the next night, and I explained I was hurt and felt like he used me. He said he was sorry and he liked me a lot. He said he didn't want to be in a serious relationship because he's leaving on a mission in a few months. I said I understood because I did. He should be concentrating and preparing for his mission not being caught up with me. Then he said he just wanted to have fun before he goes. I told him I don't want to be just another girl on his list of girls to have fun with. He got mad because he said I'm calling him a player. I wasn't meaning to, I'm just guarded. 

"Gotta love the irony of my life... I meet this amazing boy who I can't have a relationship with who is leaving in two months for two years and only wants to have fun. I don't know whether to laugh hysterically or cry uncontrollably. In the words of Nicholas Sparks "Summer romances end for all kinds of reasons. But when all is said and done, they have one thing in common: They are shooting stars a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, a fleeting glimpse of eternity. And in a flash, they're gone" Okay so I know it's technically not summer and we only really hung out a few times in the last two weeks, but what we had was a romance, not love and it was over in an instant so I was reminded of that quote. I know everything happens for a reason and that everyone in your life is there for a reason. I'm not sure Emery's purpose, but I'm sure I will someday. Also maybe I'm not meant for love or getting married in this life."

Sooooo just when I thought things couldn't get worse, they did through a Facebook status conversation. (Names of people who aren't close friends or family will be changed to protect identities)

Me: "So done with love, because love has given up on me :("

Christian (my brother): "Is that quote by Chuck Norris?"

Aubrey (best friend): "I think that you should just go for older guys, you keep going for guys younger than you. Give them time to mature a bit."

Derek: "As sad as it is I agree with you. F--- love."

Cal: "So this last little thing didn't last long I take it, eh?"

Sam (my ex and boyfriend before Emery): "You gave up on love first."

Me: "No I didn't. Christian-- No it's not, Love doesn't give up on Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris gives up on love. Aubrey-- Amen sister. Guys are like two years in maturity behind girls. So I definitely need to find an older guy. Derek--Yeah it is true and it sucks. Cal--Yeah not long at all.

Cal: "Well I love ya Char, in the friend way! I almost want to define love for one of the past posters (aka Sam) but I will keep it to myself."

Richard: "Doing well using the help seeker power base. My advice is to use it to your social network to find someone, lay it kinda heavy too so they have an idea that's what you're drawing from, and maybe a connection can be made. If you aren't looking for that "kind" or love, I may have misread."

Madison: "I know what you mean :( but hey, look on the bright side... it can only go up from here :) It gets better."

Xavier: "That's funny. I didn't know being a whore and cheating on your boyfriend of however long=love giving up on you."

I DID NOT CHEAT on Sam. He was spreading those rumors. And later on Xavier apologized for that comment. I am a good girl.

"I know I should never ever complain about life and trials because I'm so blessed. Each second a gift, but people can be so cruel. I guess Sam told Xavier (and probably many others who will spread it around and around) that I'm a whore and cheated on him which is all false. I'm a good girl. I didn't start hanging out with Emery until after I broke up with Sam, and Emery and I never have or will date.

Oh and top things off, Emery calls me today, and I get all excited and my heart lights up cause normally he doesn't like talking on the phone. So I answer and what does he want? He wants to know the name of the Jamba Juice I brought him when he got his wisdom teeth out last week. I also thought I heard a girl in the background. I told him and that was the end of our conversation. He hasn't talked to or texted me since. Go figure.

I know people say sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. I think they were lying and I disagree. Wounds, bruises, and scratches heal, but words haunt you forever. I cried many times today even though I tried will all of me to fight back tears. 

I just have to stay strong and rely on the Lord and know no matter how hard things get, I can overcome and endure to the end. He won't put me through anything I can't handle and is always with me and loves me more than anyone.

I think maybe I found Emery's purpose:

"You're going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it's always their actions you should judge them by. It's actions, not words, that matter." -Nicholas Sparks

A few weeks later, Emery invited me up to his place to play games with his family. I went despite my confusions. Hannah and McHale were mad at me about it.

So Emery met me outside his house. He ran over and hugged me and kissed my head. We played some card games and Apples to Apples with his sister Anna and her friend Trenton. They were so nice. Emery held me in his arms as he walked me to my car under a starlit sky. He would hold me from behind and hug me and I got the best feeling. I loved it. Emery gave me a sweet goodnight kiss and said he liked me as more than a friend. So maybe there's hope, maybe not, but we will see in eternity. I know everything will happen as it should if I'm doing what's right. When the time is right I will find out Emery's purpose. Either way, he is a good friend, great sibling (to his siblings), and will make an amazing missionary.

The next day, I hung out with Emery after work. He picked me up at my house and we went and ran errends and picked up his brother and sister. We all had a really good time penny surfing. I love his siblings. They were way fun and reminded me of mine. We had a lot of fun.

We didn't get to hang out long, but Emery took me to his garage and kissed me and said he was falling in love with me. Yet he wouldn't date me?! It made absolutely no sense. It was a rather quiet drive to my house. I brought up the dating thing again and he absentmindedly answered "I don't know" and was clearly uncomfortable with the suggestion. The whole Emery thing confused me in nearly every way, so I wasn't sure what was going on in his head, and he hadn't been texting me like all that night. I'm thinking I'm done with him because obviously he can't be just my friend cause I don't want a friend with benefits, but he wouldn't date me so yeah. Whatev. He confused me more than anyone I'd met in a while. I think he was potentially a player so I didn't think we'd ever hang out again. I was done with boys. I want a man.

Then things changed. 
I felt like a terrible person (there is me second guessing again!) basically. All that time I was afraid Emery would prejudge me because my family and the fact that we aren't as wealthy, etc. I was the one who judged him, but it was because I was scared of getting hurt.

All of that time I thought Emery was using me. So not the case. He was just way busy and focusing on his mission and he should be! I apologized profusely for questioning his intentions and thinking he was playing me, and I was just another girl.

He really did like me and was just a little shy like me. I really liked him too. I should've followed my heart and not questioned it. I've learned my lesson. I just hoped this wouldn't ruin things between us.

I had an awesome night with Emery, his family, and Trenton (Anna's boyfriend). They were all nice (as I've stated many times). I loved the spirit I felt so strongly in their house and all around them. I loved how they all got along and genuinely loved one another.

His mom was so sweet. She made us milkshakes and popcorn. Emery, Trenton, Anna, Seth (Emery's little brother), and I watched Avatar. Trenton and I were the only ones who hadn't seen it. Emery and I cuddled and held hands. The movie was amazing, but we didn't finish because it was so late and it's way long, but we decided we were going to finish it another time. I liked Emery a lot!

Journal Entry--April 28,2010

"Emery. To make a long and complicated story short, he used me. He only wanted to kiss me, and he tried to do a lot more than that, but thankfully I wouldn't let him. I will always hold strong to my ideals and morals. Everything he said about me being his best friend and him falling in love with me were complete lies. And he was lying last week when I confronted him about being a player. I actually felt bad for assuming it because he insisted it wasn't true, and I took his word for it, despite my better judgment because he's going on a mission.

Lesson learned: Trust your feelings and instincts and just because some boy claims to be good LDS RM or going on a mission, doesn't mean they are a good person. Oh and a bit of humor, don't date guys who are shorter than me, it's awkward. And don't date younger guys=they are immature. 

Overall lesson= Follow the spirit and pray. Also, I've been able to stand up for myself and not let guys walk all over me and use me. I deserve to be happy and treated like a princess and won't settle for less. For the first time, I feel so free and amazingly happy."