AIDEN
October 2010
I've already mentioned Aiden (name changed) in a post way back in October about him helping me accomplish #38 on my list of things to do before I die aka swing on a rope swing. My mom and grandma went shopping at this antique store in another town to buy decorations for my new stepdad Robert Allen's house. They said a cute boy was working, and they talked to him. He was an RM and spoke Spanish. They wanted to set him up with me so they gave him my number. Of course I was embarrassed and skeptical. We started texting and Facebooked each other. He was cute and nice, but I wasn't holding my breath or thinking anything would come of it. It's a funny story though. The way we met, I mean.
Journal entry--Saturday October 16, 2010 aka The Sweetest Day (it's a real holiday like Valentines Day)
"Talk about the sweetest Sweetest Day ever! I went on a date with Aiden, who is incredibly incredible and a hopeless romantic like me, and devastatingly handsome, and the first date went so great that we're official/dating as Facebook says "in a relationship". We just connected right from the start. We went to dinner at Buddy's (a local Italian restaurant) and he was my Valentine :) It's like we've known each other forever. We both have been skydiving, love soda pop, have a passion for life, love Oregon, and more. He's also spontaneous like me.
After dinner, we went to my parents' house and watched Charly in the theater room and cuddled. How I've missed cuddling and butterflies. He met McHale, Christian, and Robert Allen. Mom texted me during our date and asked how it was. I said "amazing" and she replied, "Wow I am a great matchmaker" haha.
Then Aiden and I came to my apartment and hung out with Rian and Hannah. He taught us how to play a card game called Nurts! He gets along great with Rian and Hannah, and they like him. It was a blast.
Aiden is amazing. He proved me wrong on the chivalry-doesn't-exist thing. He opened the car doors for me, called me beautiful, bought dinner, and took me swinging at the park because I wanted to go swinging. It's almost too good to be true, you know? I'm a bit scared. I mean he is the closest guy I've ever met to perfect and it's unreal. It's like a dream. I don't want to rush into things and fall for him and get hurt. I guess I will see how things go and maybe this fairy tale like romance will be reality and lead to happily ever after."
Journal entry--Sunday October 17, 2010
"Aiden is amazing. I honestly feel like I've known him forever yet we've been apart and now when we are together it's the best, and I'm complete. That empty inside-missing-something-but-not-sure-what feeling is gone. At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world, and all I want is Aiden. But it seems like you get hurt the moment you begin to care. However, I can't deny the chemistry, and I believe in fate. I am falling for him faster than I am able to comprehend. If I fall, I hope he intends to catch me and hold me in his arms forever. I feel more alive than ever. He's kinda, basically, pretty much, sort of, always on my mind now. I was with him almost all night, and I miss him like crazy. He came over today, and we took a nap and layed in each others arms, and I loved every second. We tell each other things like best friends. We were so close yet not close enough. He's 24 so he's mature and it's the best. Maybe he's the one, maybe not, I guess I'll let my Heavenly Father let me know.
I've been praying about Aiden. I know it's silly and makes not the slightest drop of sense, but I love everything about him even though we just met yesterday. I was driving home and thinking about Aiden and how unbelievable this week/weekend has been, and I felt a warm feeling inside my heart for him. The feeling was so intense and overwhelming. That's never happened to me. It stunned me. I mean I am one of those people that doesn't believe in love at first sight. I laugh at people who say they're in love after a week and act like it. I mean how do you love someone you barely know? It's ridiculous, I know. So why and how on Earth do I feel like I'm feeling that way? And, hypothetically, if it's true and the real thing, how do I explain it and get people to believe it when I hardly can and it's suddenly crashed into me at the speed of light? How do you explain something you can't even understand yourself?"
Okay Tuesday October 19, 2010 was the rope swing thing, and it's explained in detail in a previous entry, so if you haven't read it and want to, it's not hard to find. Here is the rest of my journal entry that night that isn't included in the rope swing post.
"Confession time: Two weeks together, that's all it took, two weeks for me to fall for him... I think I am falling in love with Aiden. No matter how impossible it sounds, I think it's true. I can't deny the truth. I cannot control my heart and the way it feels when I am with Aiden, when he looks at me with those blue eyes that I get lost in until time might as well have stopped and nothing else matters in that moment, when I am in his arms, when we kiss, when we talk. Despite this fact, my head is telling me no! Run! It's not real! My mind is raising a zillion questions and running wild shouting "you may love him, but that doesn't mean it's meant to be". What if he doesn't feel the same way? He doesn't talk about me and the way he feels about us like I do. What if love doesn't exist? And even if it does and this is true love and this really was love at first sight, life isn't a fairy tale. Life isn't a love story. Life isn't perfect. Life isn't like the movies.
Most boys cheat. Most boys are players. Most boys are liars. Most boys are complete jerks who only want one thing and will charm the hell out of you and tell you anything and be all romantic, but they say it to every other girl... why is love so complicated?"
Journal entry--Wednesday October 20, 2010
"The heaven we seek is little more than the projection of our homes into eternity." -President Stephen L. Richards
"So I've been praying harder and with more faith than ever about love, Aiden, and marriage, and whether or not I get married to Aiden or anyone in general I know it's our purpose for being here. To find our eternal companion who will be with us forever. Love is the best thing ever. This is why the adversary tries to fill our heads with doubts. Love is in us, born within our hearts, and he wants to destroy it and replace it with misery and hate because he can't have love.
This is why so many marriages fail because from the moment you find your sweetheart and fall in love until crossing over safely to our Heavenly Father, Satan will do absolutely everything to destroy and break the eternal bond we have with the one we love. He will always be there with doubts, fears, temptations, contention, conflict, anger, and sadness. He will always try to stir up trouble and exaggerate our trials until we feel like giving up, breaking, deciding it's not worth it. But it is. Love is worth everything.
Marriage will be the best yet hardest thing in life. However, as Heavenly Father has shown us, nothing worthwhile is ever easy. You must work every moment of everyday to get to happily ever after. You have to be strong, which is why you find your soul mate he made just for you to be by your side and become one with. You are two imperfect people striving together to attain perfection and Heavenly Father is always there for us. In love, you must sacrifice everything, but the reward is a million times better than we are capable of imaging."
"Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles, and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now, with each step you take, you grow stronger and stronger."
"It is inconceivable that God would desire to punish or to see his children in suffering or pain or distress. He is a God of Peace and tranquility. He offers joy and growth and happiness and peace."
"If one really loves another, one would rather die for that person than to injure him." -President Spencer W. Kimball
"Love is cleanliness and progress and sacrifice and selflessness. This kind of love never tires nor wanes, but lives through sickness and sorrow, poverty and privation, accomplishment and disappointment, time and eternity." -President Spencer W. Kimball
"Love cannot be forced... it comes out of heaven unasked and unsought." -President Gordon B. Hinckley
"Le Coeur De La Mer (The heart of the ocean)."
"I figure life's a gift and I don't intend on wasting it. You never know what hand you're going to get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you. To make each day count." -Jack Dawson
Journal entry--Thursday October 21, 2010
"Yes, I watched Titanic last night. I can't help it, I love it. Rose and Jack are an example of fate. They are meant to be but that doesn't mean everything will be perfect. You have to cherish and make the most of every moment with the one you love and fight with all you have against the forces trying to tear you apart but you must work together. And if you do those things, never let go, nothing can come between you or break that bond, not even death, because love is eternal.
Mom and Robert Allen got married today at 3:30 at the courthouse. Mom is now legally Angie Allen. Robert Allen is my stepdad, and Tyler, Jordan, Colton, and Tanner are my stepbrothers. It's definitely exciting. I'm so happy we're a family. McHale and I went and checked out Tanner, Christian, and Jordan from school to go to the wedding. We had lots of fun driving there. I love Tanner and having another little brother! We're like the Brady Bunch, but with five boys and three girls!
Mom is happy and so are we. Christian and Jordan have stability. And Robert Allen is a great man who loves us and helps care for my family. That's all that matters. It was a good day. I mean that's not at all how I want my wedding to be, but it's a step in the right direction for mom and Robert Allen.
Haha after they got married, Tanner was joking around and asked mom if he should call her "mom" or "smom" hahaha! It made everyone laugh.
I went and saw Brie and had a heart to heart, much needed talk about Aiden and love. She uncomplicated things and calmed my doubting mind. She supports us. She gave me advice.
"Once you cared about a person, it was impossible to be logical about them anymore." -Bella Swan, New Moon p.304
"He called you pretty," he finally continued, his frown deepening.
"That's practically an insult, the way you look right now. You're much more than beautiful."
I laughed. "You might be a little biased."
"I don't think that's it. Besides, I have excellent eyesight."
-Twilight p.494
"Bella." His fingers lightly traced the shape of my lips.
"I will stay with you--isn't that enough?"
I smiled under his fingertips. "Enough for now."
He frowned at my tenacity. No one was going to surrender tonight. He exhaled, and the sound was practically a growl.
I touched his face. "Look," I said. "I love you more than everything else in the world combined. Isn't that enough?"
"Yes, it is enough," he answered, smiling. "Enough for forever."
-Twilight p.498
Then came the sudden, unexpected end.
Journal entry--Saturday October 23, 2010
"Aiden came into my life and today he left it. I honestly believed I loved him. Apparently I was wrong. I still feel like I love him. He doesn't love me. It hurts, not gonna lie. He broke my heart. Am I clueless? What is wrong with me? I'm so far from perfect, but I am a good girl, not good enough for Aiden though. I hate this feeling where you can't breathe and can't stop crying, where you feel so broken.
I think love doesn't exist. I'm a hopeless romantic who wants to be in love, sadly love doesn't exist. At least not for me. I want it more than anything. I'd do anything for it. Love is hopeless... or maybe I'm the hopeless one... that there's no hope for me."
I went on a three mile run that day in a black dress and heels sobbing uncontrollably under a black starlit sky eventually just stopping on the sidewalk of a road to put my head in my knees and bawl. My legs ached and my lungs were on fire, but the physical pain helped distract me from the emotional. Why was I running in a black dress and heels (and probably looked crazy to everyone who drove by)? Because Aiden and I had a date planned for that night. I made dinner for him. I went all out and cooked this homemade fancy dinner. And he calls me an hour before he is supposed to leave and informs me we're over and he's not coming--without an explanation. So that's why I was all dressed up. It was most definitely the hardest breakup I'd ever faced because it hit me out of nowhere. And it was done so harshly. Aiden took a big piece of my heart.
"Sometimes I wish I was a kid again... skinned knees are a lot easier to fix than broken hearts."
"And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving your scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul."
"I remember when we kissed.
I still feel it on my lips.
The time that you danced with me
With no music playing.
I remember those simple things.
I remember till I cry.
But the one thing I wish I'd forget
The memory I want to forget
is goodbye."
Journal entry--Monday October 25, 2010
"I got one hour of sleep last night so today I fall asleep at a decent hour (midnight) and then seriously? Seriously!? SERIOUSLY?! I wake up from a nightmare at 2:30 a.m. wide awake with a pounding headache... seriously?!
Okay so all weekend I've been grieving the loss of my relationship with Aiden. I mean it was the worst, most unexpected breakup ever. In a few weeks, I meet this amazing man, fall in love with him (infatuation), only to get my heartbroken in the end. And honestly, I'm not over it yet. However, I'm done feeling sad and depressed and crying wondering how could he do this to me if he loved me and what did I do wrong? I did absolutely nothing wrong. I'm far from perfect, but I am an amazing girlfriend. Incredible, actually. I did everything right.
He ignored me out of nowhere, just acted like I didn't exist nor matter, like I was a stranger not his girlfriend. He lied to me. He ditched me and stood me up when I made him dinner. Then he had the nerve to say things were moving too fast and he needed time when he was the one talking about our future, the things we were going to do, and even marriage. He said he's afraid of the feelings and love.
Truth be told, I need a man with courage who will take my hand and stay by my side and not be a coward and walk away without a valid explanation. See, I'd rather be running toward someone than running away despite the fears and risks.
And when you love someone, you'd rather die than injure them and Aiden (who I gave my heart to because he promised to catch me when I fell for him and said I could trust him) took my heart, stomped all over it, neglected it, and just threw it back like it was entirely worthless.
I loved Aiden. I still do. And now, given some time and serious reflection, I'm actually kinda glad this all happened so I didn't fall deeper and harder. That would've hurt more. And I don't want to and refuse to be with a man who has no courage and would treat the woman he supposedly loves like he did me in the end. I deserve better, the best, a man who will treat me like a princess, confide in me as a best friend, and face love head on with me. Aiden may profess to love me, but actions speak louder than words. He is incredible. I have nothing bad to say about him as a person, only about the way he treated me."
Journal entry--Thursday October 28, 2010
"Choose your love, love your choice." -President Thomas S. Monson
"Haha yesterday, Hannah, Rian, and I went and got a pizza at the PieHole and brought it home and watched Boy Meets World at 1:00 a.m. Priceless times.
So Aiden has been trying to text me and call me all week. I've been ignoring him because of what he did to me. I finally answered tonight to get an explanation. It really didn't help much but oh well. He just apologized profusely. He said he does love me despite what he did. I honestly don't believe he does.
He said he went and talked to his bishop about it. He said he's just scared because of how fast it all happened and how intense the feelings were. He said he likes life how it is now and doesn't want it to change. He says he doesn't know what he wants in life, who he is, and what makes him happy.
Well I forgive him and am glad this all happened. I am brave and fearless. I know what I want and who I am and I'm only 21. Aiden is 24 and doesn't have any of that figured out? I most definitely don't want a man like that especially when it comes to love. He seems like the type who runs when things get tough, and that's the last person I want to be with.
The more I look at the events that transpired, and Aiden and I's short relationship, the realization comes to me that I didn't love him. I loved who I thought he was, not who he really is. I guess it was infatuation. I fell fast and hard for him. He didn't catch me. So I got up and walked away, and I'm going on to much better things... I'm a step closer to finding the one..."
Journal entry--Thursday December 9, 2010
"Aiden came by my house tonight. It was the first time I've seen him since we broke up. He was finally dropping off my mom's broken lamp piece that he fixed. He made small talk for about ten minutes as he stood in the cold. I didn't invite him in because I didn't want to talk/hang out with him after what he did to me. I still have feelings for him in a way. You could tell he wanted to though.
I acted like I had no interest in talking to him whatsoever. He could tell because he kept stopping and shaking his head and saying "You hate me! You totally hate me!" to which I rightfully denied because it's not true. As I told him, I don't hate him. But I'm definitely not his biggest fan. I don't consider him a friend either (I didn't mention the previous sentence to him or this one.) You don't do what he did to me if you care about someone. I trusted him and he broke that.
Well he ran out of small talk and started to say how sorry he was about us, and I stopped him. I told him it's fine! It's great. I've moved on and am happy, never better. Then he said that he's going to be in town in a week or so for a game his sister is cheering for and wants to see me. He said he wants to take me to dinner. (I'm thinking to myself seriously? Seriously! Seriously?!-- A Grey's Anatomy Seriously obviously). I said maybe (that is a polite no in my language). He said he'd call me and then reached out and held me in his arms to give me a hug. I hugged him back--a goodbye forever (in my mind) hug and that was that.
All I can say is my mom sure better love me for getting that lamp piece back :)
On Christmas/around that time, Aiden started texting me again. He was suddenly all into me. He was wanting to hang out. But as far as I was concerned, we were done. I could never trust him. I hadn't been so close to someone as I was to him. I have serious trust issues now. He walked away. He hurt me and it won't happen again.
The ending= Aiden made plans to go to dinner with me and I STOOD HIM UP. He was in total disbelief that anyone could do such a thing! I know it was rude and stupid to do the same thing he did to me. Revenge isn't the answer. That wasn't even my intention. I was going to go. I got all dressed up and everything but couldn't let myself. Aiden hasn't the slightest idea how much I cared about him and the damage he did on my heart.
I really wish the best for him and hope he can figure things out... what he wants. After all, it's one of the worst things not knowing what you want... I'll always care about him. He holds a place in my heart no one will fill. I truly want him to have the best life ever... even if I am not in it.
